Goga's masquerade party for the lil' ones

I have any number of these. I just spent the night with the finger on the button until both memory cards were up. Easiest thing in the world to shoot, kids in bright costumes :) Am making these BW and slightly less cute than the ones I made for the mommies. Partially because I am sinking into the dark place again and feel like it, and partially because when i am shooting, the mommies nag i am blocking their view, but everybody wants the pretty pickies afterwards.In truth I don't like these at all, I just miss my job..

Been ignoring my blogs, I know, but although it's a dreary and bleak season and I am not in the mood to do much of anything, it has been anything but unpleasant. The General is still on a sick leave and so we play A LOT of WoW, loving it, and I go around errands and house calls and bring home food and stories. Today I restored beehive panels with his sister, which is an interesting thing to do, surrounded by bees. I was supposed to have coffee and then go shoot a concert two nights in a row yestereve and tonight, but my date was held up and I gladly ignored the remaining schedule. Another shoot was thought to happen tomorrow, but the dancers who hired me all got flu, so i just have to do some more beehive painting and a logo-design meeting around noon. Mum and sis are making jams, pretending to be nice people. Am kinda shunning them, though I miss dad. I still want to interview him. Need trickery.

Twenty more days till my diet/ban lifts. I have such plans! :D I flirt with the Brown-eyed photie to pass that time, much to the General's ire. I continue to bounce ideas off him and look for things to suggest as lessons, which he ignores, but I in turn study meticulously. Have watched several photography related films, starting with Finding Vivian Maier. Dumb movie, but a lovely photie indeed. Haven’t been reading much and haven’t been able to listen to a single audio book, though I did get a deep urge to write about Nuada again, in reference to the Nightwish song about wishing a single night-time would last a lifetime. I have to cut that story into an one-night experience, so that Kay can call it “I’ve had a long night” when she talks about a bad time in her bounce.  Other than that, there are adorable things and Moomins in my life. Life is good.

I am waiting to get over the phase when I am really bothered by people who feel like they need to tell everyone what they think, what they do, whom they are doing and how they think things should be. Everyone is so fucking important and oppinionated in their own private little groupie group. None of them actaulyl seems to be doing anything, other than pissing on other people's efforts.

Marmalade sticker

Mum and sis mentioned they want to market their jams, so I used a previously rejected background for a fruity product to sketch them a label... It says "Maja's and Mum's"

RIP Srečko Šrot :(

Going through the tons of old family photos :D

Enough now

I have made almost 200 of these. The abstinence (scheduled until the first day of spring) is eating away at me and I am freaking out. I berated a boy today, one I like a lot, until he got upset, questioning his photography, provoking him into defending himself, although he had absolutely no reason to. And I had no reason to. I explained my motive is to get him off the chains and get some passion back into him, as he feels asleep at the wheel. Not that that is my place, but he has two of the things I want and isn't making anything with them. I could still kill him with his own camera. Like I said. I am freaking out. Canon launched two new pieces, as beautiful as can be. My heart goes straight for that model, I cannot relate to any other. Not the majesty of Leika, not the monumental power of Hasselblad, nothing produced by Mamiya. This is not an empty obsession, it is simply the fact I know where I want to stand to shoot the world. We speak for hours, aroused to the point of being distracted for the rest of the day, and all we ever talk about is things I believe in and he does not: taking exceptional photographs. I have spoken to this boy once, before we were properly introduced, in a cafe, and we talked a lot. But I do not remember the boy nor do I remember the conversation. He didn't have the camera on him. I simply did not register a random stranger who engaged me in a debate. He didn't have the camera on him. I like him now and I want him, because he reminds me, with every thought of him I entertain, of what I am doing wrong.

The portrait is not a polite thing. You can hate people and still make for an excellent portraitist. You can hate them, you just have to be aroused by them. Or the possibility of them you find under twenty layers of false, civilized skin. If he were to take off his clothes now, he would worry I will be disappointed as oppose to worrying I will no longer be able to resist jumping him, no matter how much of an ethical woman I am. That would register in his face and it would no longer be a fun, intense and the only acceptable experience. You cannot take a photo of a man you deem as hot in a lackluster attempt. You get a bad photo. Or worse. An average one. 

Okay, here are the last of the climbers picture, I have milked that folder of every last drop. I am starved. And it shows. But I am not ready yet. I control neither the light nor the sitters. I am still afraid of talking to people. I am still afraid of opinions. I am still afraid of math. Until that changes into rage, I've no business pursuing this ambition. I cannot become an amateur now.