Managed to unhinge my brain again, with an outburst of, well, whatever is the word for active depression. Anxiety, I suppose, or despondent anger. Or whatever. (We asked for the funeral to be extremely private and down to less than a dozen people, and then one of my attention-starved siblings went on Facebook and announced it and argued with me 'family' means everybody and to mind my own business. Ye. Especially the people who haven't visited dad for 30 years, let alone when he was in the hospital. Dad wouldn't have enjoyed a big funeral. He enjoyed big gathering while he was still fucking ALIVE.) ... It's not depression. It's ... exhausting sense of helplessness, caring too much about something nobody else cares about. There.

       It doesn't help that I hit my head during these episodes. But a few hours later, after I woke up and decided I sort of want to spend some time surrounded by humans, and offed to the mall, I stood in front of a personalised mugs stand, trying to remember General's name. I was sure I knew it and should come to it in no time, I just couldn't remember it right there. We watched an old native movie last night, freaky and epic, so I picked a mug with the wild-man poacher villain's drawing. There are no adorable kettles for light hikers around here, so a large mug will have to do. (To test a tiny backpacking stove I got for the car.)

         To cheer me up, the General is actually plotting and planning all kinds of little trips - he bought the highway yearly pass and the other day out of nowhere decided to drive up to a hill range in the north, to sort of introducing the car to snow. (I had to drive, because the road is too winding and I get too car-sick if I am not). The fog was as thick as can be and it was either snowing or raining. I have to say, though, driving an automatic pick-up, it's poetry. The car did almost everything on its own. I kept feeling like I'm falling asleep, because of the nigh zero visibility. The road is excellent, for the circumstance, safe and pleasant. There was no other traffic to speak of.) I heard of a small bog I didn't know about, so that's where we'll go next. Weather's said to be crappy for weeks; not that going to a bog on a sunny day makes any sense. I reckon it's supposed to be drizzly and foggy. 

I will admit the car is intimidating. It's a beast. Not that I ever feel at ease driving anything, but that's not for my fear of the road, it's for fear of other people. Almost every accident or incident I've ever gotten into was due to others. The momentum of this machine is tremendous - you wouldn't even notice if you hit anything or anyone smaller than another car. (Thank the fuck for all the cameras, because you seriously can't see anything otherwise.) Plus it really wants to move - used to the stick, I forget sometimes that it will start rolling as soon as I take my foot off the brake. My left foot still hits the spot where gear pedal would be, every time I have to break suddenly. 

            The argument we had with G, him having confiscated the car in a super masculine way, not even considering I might be the one to drive it to the shop for finishing touches, reached G a little - he had to admit it's taken me 20 minutes what took him three days to get used to. This is not the first time I have to 'fake it till you make it' in front of him. Besides. I feel nervous driving anything, like I said. I was just as nervous in the old car. I'm as nervous as I was when I first started driving. For all my faith in Hermes to watch my ass, our asses, machines have never been my strong suit. I'm a creature of dirt, not air. This car is a wind ship, not a plough. 

            Not to mention it looks really pretty and both of us dread who will be the first to scratch it. Now that I know how cheap cars are, I've seriously considered getting myself a tiny satellite. Pity I only need to drive, like, once a month. Might be adorbz otherwise :D I miss Starbark - two more days before we get the hardtop, so she can tag along in the back. 

 I am sooooooo tireeed. Not even a bad kind of tired, just .... LONG freaking week, you know? And we're only halfway through. 

     The shop has been going well, knock on wood; I've been working like a woman possessed round the clock, while the General negotiates everything to do with the car purchase. We sort of just went with the fates, allowing for chance/Hermes's pixie dust to guide us to the proper ending of the saga - considering almost all of the cars of that type are virtually identical, and G only cared about the 4WD attitude towards various surfaces, and I only cared about the colour, it mattered extremely little which ultimately falls into our grasp. There is a LOT of paperwork involved, which luckily G is perfectly savvy with, while I am often set aside like a small child, with coffee and cake to keep me from yapping, or I am off, poking around tiny alternatives - always a great fan of the smallest Nissan Micras or Fiats 500. I have to say, even though it is about nineteen times overpriced and by far the ugliest car I've seen lately, Honda's E in citron green is adorable! 

G had his ill-wanted birthday 'celebration' yesterday - he really hates the very concept of being in the center of attention, alas, he is beloved by many and try as he might have, he could not escape, and it was positively lovely! Fuck, we ate a lot. His mother can really cook.  o.O  My sister's boyfriend and sis made the cutest cake with fifty marzipan bees on it!! SO nice. Even the wayward offspring managed to gift something in a timely fashion. My mum gave him a tree and I, well, the car, birthday and anniversary gift combined. We were hoping to have the hardtop installed by the time paperwork is all stamped through, alas, the shop couldn't get the parts yet. I know they tried. The two ladies handling the sale were truly pleasant - unlike some other fools from the same profession. :/  No biggie. There's always next week; the ride there is not that strainous, and G needs to learn how to drive an automatic (Both of us are more of a stick kinda peeps.) That thing has a huge trunk, though - if you lay down the hatch, there is room for a rather substantial camping tent. This gave me a whole plethora of future plans and ideas!

Today we were supposed to go help fix some forest patch or watchtower or somesuch with the hunting clique, but I simply cannot get out of the chair. I just need to get to bed. Even watching porn seems like a strain. I haven't had sex with myself in over a week. Not sure if I had it with G - it's possible, but I might have fallen asleep before or during or something. Not that he's dull. I am just THAT exhausted. My brain is stretched like that canopy thingie firemen use to catch people window-jumping from burning buildings. (What if someone's clothes are on fire? Wouldn't that damage the canopy thingie?) ... Ah, on that subject, the municipality of my dad's birthplace has granted us permission to scatter the ashes in the woods, finally, so that's arranged... Now all that's left is for me to ... I guess make more money, and pray for borders to be lifted, so we can go have our anniversary Euro trip! Ah, no, wait. I have to go find a dog transport box, as Lyra will now need to ride outside of the cab. Maybe I could knit her a cage cosy? 

Weird fucking happenstance on Etsy - a customer was said to purchase several of the larger sets, and yet the site froze - she was charged on her card, but the items didn't show sold - not until later, when someone else purchased some of them. So, one set is entirely missing, two sold and the customer was charged for an amount I had nothing to do with. Creepy indeed. Not the first time the site collapsed or the only time I hear of such glitches, but still freaky. Not the kind of money I would easily pull out of my sock to refund for something I had no fault in. 

I was going to list and promote several other sets, which I now dare not to, so I'll just go watch a simple movie and sleep. The General wants me in the parking lot at 6:30, and I need an hour to get there, so an early night.  Poor dog won't know what she did wrong when I drag her along :'D

There were several phone calls I made all on my own today, I have to say this! To strangers! Even though I'm freaked out by how blatantly car salesmen lie to people's faces. Thing is, at the top of our wish list, is a rare car - only one of those cars is said to arrive in the country at the end of next month. We both like it, but it's not the ONLY car on our list, so I called around, pretending to question engines and differentials, extra gear and wheel height, and so on. And, of course, the colour. I could not care less how many different surfaces the car is programmed to overcome, if I don't like the colour. That is my no.1 demand. The General has far more practical requirements. Now we just have to find a damn truck that cuts down the middle of our desires. 

Weather-wise, we had detrimental cold spells - some awful damage to the wood in bloom, there probably won't be any cherries this year. I've wrapped all of our baby plants in plant-blankie thingies, which saved most, I think. Only one tree broke under its weight in snow, yet when we went to check on it today, the leaves were still fine: we've literally created a brace for it, using a bandage and grafting sap usually applied when turning fruit tree into a fruitier tree. Maybe it'll just ignore the fact it split completely? After all, when their branches get cut, I always stick those into the ground and more often than not, they decide they can be trees some day, also :D 

Today was an unusually pleasant grocery-shopping evening. Can't really explain why, but I am feeling unusually pleasant. The days have been lovely - warm, bordering on hot, and I spent almost all of it uphill, entertaining mum who has taken the first dose of the vaccine and is having anxiety and depression spells - yesterday I've been carving for almost six hours while telling her everything from the plot of Tenet to my latest anthropological discoveries, from how it was to shoot rare archaeo finds the other day to what kind of car are we considering (as this one is great, just very old.) 

Today we went up to tend to bees while I watered all of the baby plants we've planted - the 'soil', and I am being very generous here - he so dry it's practically dust when you kick it, stone if you don't. Then G went to work and I returned to chat with mum while carving - I have a blister on my thumb, but I am getting a lot better at it - and then sis with her mate joined. I ordered us some Mexican food, using a spoon and bringing my own plate as a statement to how sis feeds dogs from human plates to spite me. She offered another pearl today, claiming human crew is in the orbit of Mars, overseeing Perseverance. Third pearl this week. At least this once I said to google it and show me and still she failed to comprehend she's brutally lacking in education on the subject. (After complaining COVID swabs are performed by volunteers when it should have been by doctors, because it's dangerous to poke around the brain like that... and that currents and twister eddies in Suez channel were what off-set the ship, as there are 'only 5 meters on each side for ships to go through'. I tried to argue I spent half a year on a boat which cruised channels, but that was not of any merit to her absolute conviction. 

They set to build one of the dogs a sofa-hut, which turned out awesome, but this made the dogs too excited. I set my hammock to nap after lunch, which was just not happening. One of the dogs even ran into me, thinking maybe I was just a curtain, almost knocking me off, then barked at me furiously. I returned to carving and later, wearing only a T-shirt and pants (as opposed to the usual three layers until now), closed the bee vents, walked down and got home just as it got dark. G asked for some bacon and bread for his omelette dinner, but I missed the corner store, so I took one of his cards, put on some music and offed to shop at the larger store a few minutes away, opened until nine. And it was SO calm. Dog was at home, so no worry anyone will snatch it. G was at work, so no need to worry he's waiting in the car. Almost no people, I had no needs or desires, trying to grab something before anyone else does. I even made two rounds around the shop with the cart, which so rarely happens. NO hurry at all, none. No mission, no list, nothing. Just a little bit of a permitted budget and some appetite. Hot noons inspire me to yearn ice-cream, so I bought some coffee ice-cream and some whipped cream. The rest was just random snacks and some protein bars, some yummies for G and the mutt. 

Can't remember when I was last in a store and didn't feel bad, for one reason or another. How about that?