Funny - Jingna is posting sad little FB comments about how depressed she is and yesterday was one of the rare days when I was exhausted enough to become sad as well. Not physically. Physically you can count on to go away after two meals and a good long sleep. But dealing with people. Some people make you want to go to sleep and not wake up.

       At some point yesterday, after talking to the General and to a friend of mine who’s a lawyer, I told the client I withdraw from their commission, apologizing and asking for no payment – their complaints about the quality of the photographs was coming down to no end – most of which was regarding the clothes, the light and the lack of variety. The clothes were obviously not my part. There was a wardrobe lady there, but the one complaint was about the model I vouched for – the ONLY professional model on the set. The variety.. well. The photo shoot didn’t take three hours, it lasted nine and not because we stood around. For whatever the client asked for, we delivered. They just now say they expected more. And the lights? Well. The lights are all the difference between a great photo and the useless one. I asked for lights and I worked with what they gave me. Now they don’t like what the light in the pictures is like. I’m a photographer, not a fucking miracle worker. If you ask me, considering what was there, the results were excellent. Just not what you would want to put in a magazine. Honestly nothing about it looks elite, as nothing about it was. I doubt anyone on the set was paid at all, I know for a fact models were volunteers and the make-up artist was a student. But of course, regardless of the fact that when it comes to organization, I am just the one who presses the big button on the camera, all the fault now comes to me. So I said, sorry, this obviously isn’t what you wanted, I apologize and this is where we part our ways. I don’t know what I will do now. On one side I like the pictures, I think some are great and would love to see them used, but on another I am so busy I simply cannot waste two weeks of editing them for little or no money to come out in the end. I have other projects running. Projects that I now feel tired about.

       There was even some talk about me coming to freshen up the portfolios of some models in the currently most respectful model management agency. The management saw my work and invited me over. That may come out so well it’s not even funny. And yet I am afraid that when I do my own stuff, it’s so cool, no pressure, but when someone is watching, I freeze: this is the exact quality in amateur models that I am so strict about. Now that my time has finally come, I have exhausted myself over the one thing I always thought I could not care less about – other people’s expectations.

       Guess it’s not that easy. Which is kind of good news. I hate things to just shoot up without a solid foundation. Those are like fireworks – mind-blowing for about a second and a half.