Remember why you're here...

(Two days ago)

Today I finally found time to venture to the capital and purchase several yummy items I have decided to invest in, regarding my portraitist career... Not that there are not good makeup artists around, I have just learnt to rely on myself by now. People tend to invoke convenience when it's actual time to deliver, concerning me. It's a large fifteen-people, five hour photoshoot coming up and an eager visagist only had time the first twenty minutes. Of course they do. Also, at this point, for the money I have left, I only have one out of two investments left ( the other being two powerful studio lights and a background roll). So, I am off to purchase, as far as I have done the math, that beautiful Ben Nye palette that I have fallen in love with the first moment I saw it; a brush for it, and a corrections wheel. (And a brush for it.) Budget permitting, I would also love to add an empty palette case for lipsticks (and a brush for it), palette knife and, what's left, M.A.C. Glitter pigments, just because they make me drool. I don't know how far I will get. I'm on a train ride there. 

     Trains need to be switched at a third of the route, at a place called ThreeBridges. Coming in, I noticed that the cappuccino coloured river we rode along, meeting a deep green river, makes the most amazing fragmental curls. If I took a photo of that, it would be an awesome achievement, because the colours and math of it really was wonderful.

      As if daring me, the other train was 10 minutes late. Technically, I could have spent the time hurrying along the rail, getting to the needed vantage point. I could probably even have done it in time before the security caught me. It would take me ten, maybe twelve seconds to get the settings right and then shoot, shoot hard. But a lot could have happened during. The freight train could pass and they would be very pissed if they thought I was planning to mess up their windshield and had to stop the whole composition unscheduled. I would perhaps have to move myself on the other side of the safety fence and it would be faulty and I could fall quite a fall down into a twisting river. I could get hurt, getting the shot, and hurt my equipment. All this could be done, taking a risk, being daring, being fatalistic, to get a good shot of two rivers meeting. 

        But there is very little need left in me to be that desperate, to act so regardless . Even when he is not physically present, General is looking over my shoulder - and he would never allow such a thing. He would say - remember why you are here. Your excitement today will come out of a marvellous make-up purchase. (he wouldn't really use those words, I'm embellishing..) But you get my drift. I will not tango with freight trains to get a shot nobody would care about anyway. Not today. 

(few hours later)

I really would make for the worst professional killer. I get so worked up over the simplest things. SIMPLEST. Nicest! 12:00 o'clock, arrive to the capital. 12:10 go to Kabuki make-up place to buy the foundations and the corrections... Make a fool of one-self in three seconds mispronouncing Ben Nye, but okay. Out of five thing offered additionally, I didn't buy anything, which proved to be an excellent call. 12:39, off to MUD, to get the brush and lipstick palette case... Which proved fucking perfect. I can see why Nea choose these lot to study with. Whatever their financial difficulties may be on the grand scale, in the shop, they were perfect. They helped me buy three basic brushes: the one for foundations, the one for corrections, the one for shadows. I went for less specific, more broader range of talents brushes 2. And 3., as I won't be able to afford others for a while. I still need a very exact liner brush, a lipstick brush and an eyelashes brush... (Long story.) Also, because I really liked the way I've seen it used, I bought a palette knife, though not the palette, yet. And then, after the lipstick box, I had a few bucks left, so we went through the store to find something within the price range, that could be very useful and I ended up with a eyebrow fixer, which can be mixed with any dye and applied as mascara or brow pencil, but most importantly, it can be mixed with foundations and used to paint the brow skin-tone... Something I used to be very fond of, before the hard brow came back in fashion. 

         Anyhoo. Not that I hadn't eaten before or that I was thirsty, but by the time - 12:59 - I got to the train station, I was soooo hungry, so thirsty, so drained, overwhelmed, exhilarated and anxious to get home and start making people up (alas, General refuses to model ://) I nigh giggled. Imagine I had to do something far more delicate. Like shoot someone. I would likely have a heart attack. Oh, certainly I can hit any paper target anywhere, but as far as the real world goes... The human factor. There I fail flat. I am too much of a person not to. To me the very trip to the capital, with a train, is an experience. I have no idea how some people do it every day :P

(on the train back)

I wonder if you can ever really forget someone. Like, really not thing about them at all, again. Not that I tend to think about certain low people, but quite a lot of my memories are stuck to objects and places and these objects and places feel for ever stained by those memories... I wish it were not so. I wish I could look at something I used to love and just be happy. Walk the street in lovely sunlight and not feel haunted. I wish I could just stop remembering how bad things can get, if you take your guard down in pretty places. But I suppose that would be, like, an invitation to a disaster all over again.