Trying to sell the paint ...

And the worst part, it's working. I'm actually starting to run out of the tiny fuckers, and am more than halfway through paying off the investment debt. Not to want to jinx myself or anything now, but - have you met me? The first thing I do when I start to succeed in anything (publically, financially), is hit the brakes and hide. I've stopped trying to set up Etsy, run a blog site, run the adjacent Insta account ... Leave me alone, I don't want to do this. I've started scratching my palms again, which is one of the first indicators I'm getting stressed. 

On one of the lectures Drej's giving, the 'witness of self' was debated, or presented or whatever, the concept that when you're forced into a moment during which your soul would suffer, you simply detach yourself and become your own witness, not directly participating in the event, but indirectly with a sound reliable buffer -your own, morally sound self - in front of you. This is actually what Zen monks told the Japanese aggressors when coming down hard on China, and the evaluators of Holodomor, telling them to set aside their pussy ass feelings and ignore the suffering they would be receptive towards as human beings, watching farmer families starve to death for the ill-fated agricultural implementation, and do their job. Himmler carried Bhagdavadghita around, in which this is also mentioned, and taught the SS officers how to detach from the horror they are sent to inflict and they'll be fine. 

It would be all to easy, wouldn't it? To stop scratching my palms, prevent myself from having nightmares, focus on the selling until I make enough money we can go on a neat vacation ...  

But then I wouldn't be able to feel the lot of it. The anxiety and discomfort, sure, but ... pride, sense of achievement, sense of learning, ambition, new skills, even to a degree new people that have been contacting me? ... I don't want to be a witness to my own self. Sanity is overrated :D

You want it darker?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YD6fvzGIBfQ

Little forests

*evil grin*. Why, yes, yes I would, since you ask.

Uh, no, scrap the last one.It's been raining ever since, non-stop.

Hard to believe, I know, but yes, I wore sandals all day today and it didn't rain, it didn't snow, it didn't hail and the wind wasn't blowing so hard it ripped the wings off hornets. It was just a normal sunny late-May day. I'm shocked. 

Rainy and shiny days :)

Busy bees

Came within 3 or 4 ft of distance to a beehive today. This is technically the closest I've ever been. Admittedly, it was rather frightful.

I am in deep awe of bees, they are a majesty of species, organization, functionality and effectiveness, especially under improvisation. But they can also be as scary as fuck. Even though the General is fully clad in expensive beekeeper gear, they ALWAYS find a way to get him. Got him in the lower tummy the other day, because the belt zipper was just a bit undone the previous time. They stung him in the only microscopic spot he had today: a little bit of where the trousers met the shoe. At the start, they didn't mind us, but once he kept checking the honeycombs closer and closer to the queen, and we're talking honeycombs so covered in worker bees that when he took them out bees literally oozed off, the bodyguards have had it and then were hitting me like pellets. I could feel them coming at my head at full speed. Those that landed on the veil in front of my face were viciously trying to sting me. I had to go stand in the tree and bush branches several times, but I was already marked, so every time I came out, the guards were on me again. After a few minutes of being too nervous, I decided this was enough of a lesson for one day, and left. To think that once you're marked the guards would follow you until they got to you, at times for half a mile, the idea of not wearing protective gear is absurd. I don't know how some people simply don't find them problematic and dare approach. You can see when the guards become alert. Not right away, they 're just bothered at the start, and we fume them, so they're calm. But once the guards think you're pushing your luck, trying to rob them, the whole sound of the hive changes. It's surreal. It's one of those 'don't fuck with tiny fuzz-balls. They are so smart it's scary.'

Well, that's over.

I am probably the only person who likes the 8th season. A lot. More, at least, than most other seasons with the exception of the first and some of the seventh (and Hardholme.) IMdb is giving the last episode of the last season 5 out of ten stars, Metacritic's given the last two episodes 2.9 and 3.4 out of ten stars and R. Tomatoes has the last episode at 57%. Yup, people really hated the last few ... okay, everything from the moment Sevarian was killed went downhill. Great everything, every concept, except the writing of it. 

But I also think I am the only person who was never team Daenerys and never considered naming my daughters Khaleesi a, b and c. Come on. That blonde bitch did nothing but scream "I shall take back what's rightfully MINe with fire and BLOOD!" every time she was on screen, when she wasn't executing people who didn't agree with her. Saying she went crazy is so lame, did people even watch this shit? She didn't go crazy, she just went full Targaryen. She was raised to believe she is better than anyone, almost god-like because someone once experimented injecting dragon blood in her ancestors, and entitled to the point she genuinely bought how the thone belongs to her and everyone who thinks differently is an enemy with having their neck opened. You know, especially people in a major city who had zero to do with politics. And their little kids. 

I thought that last bit was really well done - I've never seen such devastation on screen, such a detailed portrayal of people going completely apeshit on civilians. maybe in The Pianist, but how can you compare a portrayal of an actual war to this cartoon? Well, they certainly tried. That burnt man, wandering through the city streets, long dead he just didn't compute yet ... That shit was freaky. Not knowing whether it's snowing snow or ash. Jon going to wander the wasteland, Arya becoming an explorer, Brianne writing Jaime's history, the whole Edmund Tully scene...  that was so well done. Even how the throne was melted and how the city gradually came back to life ... 

I just seem to be the only one to think so. Guess this show elevated the quality of fantasy Tv to the point fans demanded to be brought to a squirting orgasm every episode. Guess good Tv is nowhere near good enough anymore. Guess fans wanted Dany+Jon to hold hands, sit ruling together, smiling, and have lots and lots of babies. Demented or otherwise. 

That's a really big fucking banner to have on standby, in case you win some war and find a wall tall enough still standing. Imagine being a seamstress and getting that sort of a commission. 'Make it big, make it black, and make the sigil flawless even in the wind.'

Pokemon Detective Pikachu

Went to see the movie about Pokemon. Knew by name and abilities every pokemon in it.

It's a miracle I've ever gotten laid. 

I'm getting a sneaking suspicion that people wanted bigger, better, faster, more

What, there's not enough tits? I don't get it. We've suffered through seasons five and six and THIS one is the bad one?

Hehe, the General said he'll only inform me when they've arrived safely and then there won't be any contact until they return. 

Yeah, that sounds like him - the only more closeted romantic than me :D But it's good to hear his voice, the beautiful surprise, at the least expected hours :*

Glitter sisters - winter adjacent set to the popular gold one :)

LoL, dude, I am literally sore all over from yesterday. :D Let it be known that stress DOES manifest itself in neatly distributed physical pain.

I wonder if I have a full-body muscle ache from being so tense behind the wheel. Sure as heck my shoulders and neck are killing me. 

Full effing moon :/

Long freaking day :/ Drove dad around for most of it, he had to attend a funeral a few hours away, and by the end of the drive - in an unfamiliar car I've never driven before, so I was nervous - we were both tired and cranky, as one gets. Mum is being a pain, which sucks the cheer out of most situations, even funerals. And of course, dad is pressuring me to come help at the estate again, yet again, another weekend, because all weekends are supposed to go to lending hands to inlaws, perish the thought you want to spend it by yourself. Mowing again, spraying again, fixing more lines ... All shit that urgently needs to be done, if only it was my fucking problem. Not my fucking hobbies. I got my own shit going on. I also don't want to be constantly told of all the stuff I'm yet to complete. Ye, they're to old to handle the vineyard, I get it. I don't want it. "What will become of the vineyard after I'm gone? Who will maintain it?"
       Fuck me. I don't fucking care. I want to buy and build my own home, not constantly inherit the shit you kept dragging in and eventually couldn't handle. Not my fucking problem.
       G is away for the weekend, that's why I feel so alone. If mum was okay, then maybe, sure. But I don't want to deal with my parents alone. They are more vicious then serpents when they're like this. G's parents are having some health-related issues as well, they may need some transport, but that's a not a problem at all, they are nice people. They don't ask unless they have no other option and they don't load three more tasks on you once you arrive to help. "While you're at it ..."
       On top of it all, one of my brothers declares, out of the blue, there's some work to be done with one of his projects, and he needs help urgently. Not requests. Declares. He wrote to sis as well and some people I know. Won't say I don't avoid him generally, because I do not enjoy his company and you never know what task he will load onto you, or how you will get home. I've learned a long time ago not to get suckered into one of his projects, no matter how insulted that makes him, and so it seems did all the other people. Not saying I don't feel bad, I feel like crying at the end of today, but I also feel drained. Explaining I am being stretched three different ways and to please not count on me, because I have no idea how my weekend will go and already have some plans for Saturday, he replied I should be careful not to lose a brother since I'm running around so much.
      Fucking hell.
      Do I have a stamp on my forehead that says 'easily emotionally blackmailed into doing menial labor whenever anyone demands it'? My family is notoriously difficult when it comes to someone saying no to them, especially if they really need help, but refuse to hire someone you actually have to pay. They make for the whole situation really uncomfortable. I'm not saying it wouldn't be possible for me to squeeze another favor to another family member in another busy weekend. Of course, it could be. And of course, by the end of the day, I'd get shit some way or another, because everyone would be tired and cranky. I know all that. I'm sure I would feel terrible if I really needed help with something urgently and none of the twenty people I know would choose to help. I'd also probably wonder a little why that is.
      Disown me for declining your request, why don't you?
      Fucking full moons :/

Four golds and a bronze walk into a bar ... and also snail :D

Unexpectedly amazing shimmer paints - I didn't think they would turn out that rich and thick, but, there you have it. Only thing you mustn't do is sneeze, because these buggers get away from you so fast your cat is a glitter queen before you can say 'bling'.

 

What do you think? Shop-like enough?

https://slowreader11.blogspot.com/

Tree poem. What, it was a nice day for writing tree poems :D

What are these shadow-roosting giants, praying for the rain?
Their thousands green blind eyes that ever only see the sky.
What myriad of beasts of every size included
have named them paradise?
My resting sto(o)p is a mighty nest indeed. 

Lovely long walk

There's a traditional walk, about 35 km, around the capital, commemorating the location of a barbed fence put there during the WWII - that's what it's called - 'Walking alongside the wire'. I've heard about it every year, but I as never quite in the mood to go, even though people from all around come and there's usually around 35.000 participants, albeit not all walk the full circle. There are 8 (9) checkpoints, so young kids from schools, which are about half of the participants, only do four and probably the shorter distances. Then there's running and other variations. But walking is the main event.

        The neighbor's dad has been said to walk it a few times by now, so I asked if I can tag along and he reminded me this may require some form of fitness. Oh, mister. You've not seen me walk. Okay, so I am not the youngest and I am not the lightest, but even though I feel it in the end, and a day later, the neighbor (who didn't notice the walk was long in the slightest, but she's a young slim thing) and I finished two hours before her dad, having a great time. I overpacked, because there was plenty of road-side activity and it would be totally unnecessary to carry water, since they kept serving root beer, lemonade, coffee, tea and water and the neighbour's dad brought a ton of protein bars and sandwiches, which I declined, explaining I usually go everywhere with enough flapjacks to last me a nuclear winter (two.) The weather was ideal and the path is unusually flawless - the vast majority of it is packed mud or gravel, super comfortable to walk on, under thick old trees providing delicious shade. There's a small hill in the middle and last stretch is 6 km on asphalt pavement, which is the least of my favorite terrains. Clearly not just mine, as most people opted on walking an abandoned rail-o-track or roadside. You could tell who was approaching the last checkpoint (you can start at any checkpoint, doesn't matter, just as long as you come full circle.) by the way they walked. Neighbour's dad is the type to approach famous people, so he kept taking selfies, but I only met one acquaintance and mostly stared at people's day packs and shoes. Lots of dogs, too! we were told it's not recommended for dogs, but there were hundreds! I missed the dumb fuck of my mutt every time I saw a beagle. Neighbour missed hers every time she saw a dachshund. 

        In the end you get a bronze medal (you get silver after having walked the circle five occasions), and we had hamburgers and coffee and later I had green ice-cream and a pop-tart, dragging myself another small walk with MyMaja, reporting on all of the events. 

         People kept asking how come the General didn't walk along and I replied every time: I fail to bullshit him into EVERY nonsense I decide to do :D

(not my photos...)

Autumn promos from the top of me head

You're telling me I can't be a great author unless I'm a miserable, drunkard whoremongering near-suicide? But I am an amazingly happy human and very lucky, knock on head, and I think myself a great writer.

... If I fucking finished the book. 

"Winter" and "Spring" sets ... (kinda. They're made for Insta, so the framing is lame..)