Long freaking day :/ Drove dad around for most of it, he had to attend a funeral a few hours away, and by the end of the drive - in an unfamiliar car I've never driven before, so I was nervous - we were both tired and cranky, as one gets. Mum is being a pain, which sucks the cheer out of most situations, even funerals. And of course, dad is pressuring me to come help at the estate again, yet again, another weekend, because all weekends are supposed to go to lending hands to inlaws, perish the thought you want to spend it by yourself. Mowing again, spraying again, fixing more lines ... All shit that urgently needs to be done, if only it was my fucking problem. Not my fucking hobbies. I got my own shit going on. I also don't want to be constantly told of all the stuff I'm yet to complete. Ye, they're to old to handle the vineyard, I get it. I don't want it. "What will become of the vineyard after I'm gone? Who will maintain it?"
Fuck me. I don't fucking care. I want to buy and build my own home, not constantly inherit the shit you kept dragging in and eventually couldn't handle. Not my fucking problem.
G is away for the weekend, that's why I feel so alone. If mum was okay, then maybe, sure. But I don't want to deal with my parents alone. They are more vicious then serpents when they're like this. G's parents are having some health-related issues as well, they may need some transport, but that's a not a problem at all, they are nice people. They don't ask unless they have no other option and they don't load three more tasks on you once you arrive to help. "While you're at it ..."
On top of it all, one of my brothers declares, out of the blue, there's some work to be done with one of his projects, and he needs help urgently. Not requests. Declares. He wrote to sis as well and some people I know. Won't say I don't avoid him generally, because I do not enjoy his company and you never know what task he will load onto you, or how you will get home. I've learned a long time ago not to get suckered into one of his projects, no matter how insulted that makes him, and so it seems did all the other people. Not saying I don't feel bad, I feel like crying at the end of today, but I also feel drained. Explaining I am being stretched three different ways and to please not count on me, because I have no idea how my weekend will go and already have some plans for Saturday, he replied I should be careful not to lose a brother since I'm running around so much.
Fucking hell.
Do I have a stamp on my forehead that says 'easily emotionally blackmailed into doing menial labor whenever anyone demands it'? My family is notoriously difficult when it comes to someone saying no to them, especially if they really need help, but refuse to hire someone you actually have to pay. They make for the whole situation really uncomfortable. I'm not saying it wouldn't be possible for me to squeeze another favor to another family member in another busy weekend. Of course, it could be. And of course, by the end of the day, I'd get shit some way or another, because everyone would be tired and cranky. I know all that. I'm sure I would feel terrible if I really needed help with something urgently and none of the twenty people I know would choose to help. I'd also probably wonder a little why that is.
Disown me for declining your request, why don't you?
Fucking full moons :/
Fuck me. I don't fucking care. I want to buy and build my own home, not constantly inherit the shit you kept dragging in and eventually couldn't handle. Not my fucking problem.
G is away for the weekend, that's why I feel so alone. If mum was okay, then maybe, sure. But I don't want to deal with my parents alone. They are more vicious then serpents when they're like this. G's parents are having some health-related issues as well, they may need some transport, but that's a not a problem at all, they are nice people. They don't ask unless they have no other option and they don't load three more tasks on you once you arrive to help. "While you're at it ..."
On top of it all, one of my brothers declares, out of the blue, there's some work to be done with one of his projects, and he needs help urgently. Not requests. Declares. He wrote to sis as well and some people I know. Won't say I don't avoid him generally, because I do not enjoy his company and you never know what task he will load onto you, or how you will get home. I've learned a long time ago not to get suckered into one of his projects, no matter how insulted that makes him, and so it seems did all the other people. Not saying I don't feel bad, I feel like crying at the end of today, but I also feel drained. Explaining I am being stretched three different ways and to please not count on me, because I have no idea how my weekend will go and already have some plans for Saturday, he replied I should be careful not to lose a brother since I'm running around so much.
Fucking hell.
Do I have a stamp on my forehead that says 'easily emotionally blackmailed into doing menial labor whenever anyone demands it'? My family is notoriously difficult when it comes to someone saying no to them, especially if they really need help, but refuse to hire someone you actually have to pay. They make for the whole situation really uncomfortable. I'm not saying it wouldn't be possible for me to squeeze another favor to another family member in another busy weekend. Of course, it could be. And of course, by the end of the day, I'd get shit some way or another, because everyone would be tired and cranky. I know all that. I'm sure I would feel terrible if I really needed help with something urgently and none of the twenty people I know would choose to help. I'd also probably wonder a little why that is.
Disown me for declining your request, why don't you?
Fucking full moons :/
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