Spores, morons. SPORES

Okay, first we are going to have a very basic space staff training. Mandatory for everyone who has civilian lives depending upon them or ever at all wishes to join a grown-up company mission.

1)      People with any kind of rank or rank-possibility will have to undergo psych evaluation, meaning no unreliable, weird, weak, emotional, irresponsible and above all STUPID candidates, such as adrenaline junkies or religious freaks. And – important – people with natural leadership skills.

2)      People with any kind of responsibilities will NOT – I repeat – will NOT prioritise their personal lives above the lives of passengers, crew, cargo, property and/or personal safety. Ever.

3)      In fact it’s best to make the entirety of crew of androids and a single human commander. Single as if not married and not previously traumatized to the point of being emotionally crippled.

4)      Upon RECON, there will be STRICT procedures obligatory to follow, namely: HAZMAT suits and scout behaviour. There will be NO exposing orifices, skin and/or blood to ANY kind of environmental agent.

Don’t you morons know how spores work?! SPORES. Too big to be detected by gas analysis, dormant and EXTREMELY pathogenic. Extremely. Bubonic almost. So if by any chance you happen upon a planet with the EXACT atmospheric balance and pressure and cushy vegetation, what do you think the odds are there are NO dormant microorganisms or SPORES dangerous to you? Hm? Retards. Read your fucking Jared Diamond.

5)      Medical officers will either ALWAYS have glasses, gloves and surgeon’s masks VERY near or always on.

6)      Quarantine chambers will not be AT THE FUCKING END of the vessels.  

7)      Upon ANY form of alien encounter, being terrain, flora or fauna, the strategy will not be “Oh, geez, this looks nice. Let’s poke it.” But instead: “First a probe. Then the android. Then two scouts. Then extensive lab analysis. Then terraforming experts. Then terraforming lab analysis. Then about a week of twiddling your thumbs. THEN a scouting party.”

8)      And should you upon a sole survivor that’s acting like he’s having a tea party in a crematorium, get your shit and RUN.

Here are also some structural/technical novelties to be implemented in ALL future space exploration.

1)      Cryo coffins will have an ABORT button WITHIN the coffin.

2)      There will be MORE THAN ONE survey/ transport/ rescue/ vessel per a ship of 2000+.

3)      There will be quarantine/disposal chambers next to the medical bay (which will be SEALED in every way – what the fuck is wrong with you people, have you NEVER heard of a bio weapon before?!) with electrical/chemical/nano/temperature/mechanical annihilation capabilities

4)      Make a ship that can keep the cargo/passengers safe even if the bridge is compromised and needs to detach. They can wait.

5)      Either have no homicidal androids on board or more than one.

6)      Make guns that don’t damage the ship. Make guns that shoot liquid nitrogen for all I care, or NETS, just don’t make something that fires live ammo within a combustible vessel.

7)      Make safety suits for emergency personnel.

8)      Make any kind of body scanner at all, any at all.

9)      There is a reason why emergency signals are audio AND visual, especially in private chambers, especially in bathrooms: so that even people with diminished hearing capacity know something is going on. Come on, people. Every seaman knows this. 

But, not to sell the creep factor lightly, we also need to take into consideration a truly disturbed figment of our own creation, whose hair grows nicely and whose sexual urge is unusually present while he's destroying worlds: first he makes his brother blow a flute, then he frenches him/himself and then he tries to french a human woman. That's on TOP of designing face-huggers.