I've dreamt of someone I was sure I'm done dreaming of, and feelings I was hoping I was done harboring. Old stuff, triggered by a recent joke. Cliche, too - wanting to be accepted, hungering to be desired. It was a beautiful dream - architecturally, slightly submerged in clear water, beautiful old buildings made of pale stone, somewhat Roman furniture and curtains. Lovely stuff. Overall a pleasant dream, long and calm and cheerful. The people I used to know, unchanged, their attitudes unchanged. I wanted them to want me. It felt good to find them wanting me, as if at the time it would have changed anything if they cared to comprehend me - I wonder? Those people used to think there is something wrong me for wanting to be accepted by them. It may have been a transferal, Freudian or such, from being rejected by a mother - the one person you will always yearn the acceptance of, ironically.

         I was hoping I was past stuff 15 years less emotionally mature, but ... I suppose some people stain your senses and never truly leave. Seems pointless pretending they were never there. Like an amputated limb. Like an odd, tearful, confusing birthday party decades ago, that was actually kinda fun.

         

         I can't say I really mind. I prefer it to all those wants and lusts and emotional ambitions to just wither. I rather burn sickly and in sinful dreams, than not at all.