"You may live a thousand lifetimes, each different at the start, you will still always fail those who love you the most, always suffer long after they're all gone and in the end, none of them will matter the slightest bit. "

First tiny panic attack of 2018. Can’t really remember the last time I had one, in 2016 maybe, when I couldn’t find G on a simple trail in the mountains, because he kept walking too fast and was always one turn away? … I saw this one coming a mile away. Good thing, too, because I almost peed myself, in public. The General was on stand-by the entire time, he could tell when my palms began to sweat, when I began to shake and couldn’t finish my sentences. He didn’t try to calm me down dismissively, didn’t try to stop me when I said I need to leave the room, I’m choking. Didn’t try to rush me up the stairs when I said I needed to sit, because contents of my bladder threatened to evacuate. Those fucking stairs, man, they felt like they’re leading up to a Chinese mountain monastery, they wouldn’t end! And I live on the first floor! … Took a tiny nap on the kitchen floor while he made us some food. World felt so large, I felt so small. It was bound to happen. With a little luck all that mess is over now. I mean, I know it’s not. But I’ve exhausted myself on that project, my brain is locking down to keep me creatively sane. G believes I should take on another menial job, something behind a machine, a complete no-brainer. I agree. Just leave me alone, give me something to do and forget about me for the next couple of months …