Had one of the worst panic attacks of late, last night. I had to truly explain to the General, that I am not a crazy person, I am just really really freaked out and I have been acting far too calm and brave lately, because I really am not and I haven't the strength to be anything but myself in front of this one fucking person in the whole damn world. 

But this morning he had three missed calls from dad's number very early and he felt it, too - that sinking horrific sense of panic, right up until the moment it evaporates like a soap bubble - like a tense scene in a horror movie, when the creeping shadow turns out to be some random mailman or something ... Dad urgently needed to cancel his request for bagels and instead asked us to bring him burek. (Meaty pastry alternative.) It was so important - like in the mind of a very small child - it was a life and death situation, because he was starving and everyone needed to drop everything and deliver that to him. a) he is far from starving, in fact he's getting fat and b) for fuckssakes. He isn't half as senile as he acts. Now the General knows how I feel all the time. It feels like that all the fucking time.