I invented a prayer.

Ah, General. OnlyFans got shut down and he asked, carefully, if this will have any say on our financials overall. :D This, coming from a man whose page history I once combed through and found an endless array of searches on cars, trucks, ploughs, Canada, guns, car dealerships, hunting legislations, videos about trucks, taxes, how to do your own taxes, stretching exercises for old knee injuries and videos about ploughs in Canada. 

My mental health has upped a little, I've stopped losing hair and the swelling of the right leg is under control. Might have had a bit of a breakdown the other day and we may need a few new pieces of furniture (and can't find one of the cats) but I've also been sleeping more and have arranged a timetable for my week for when we come home from the trip. Such that it leaves me at least two if not three days per week for non-work related stuff and dealing with family. My family is, after all, the sort of a family if I suffered a nervous breakdown, they'd say I'm a pathetic drama queen needy for attention, because nobody likes me, and the only one feeling responsible would be G, for failing to protect me from them. Normal family stuff. 

A couple of years back one of my old professors asked what is the one thing I want more than anything in the world. I responded I'm not a ficus, I can have more than one ambition at a time. But today I figured it out.

I want the opportunity, at an old age, to find such calm and clarity regarding emotions, spirituality, intellect, financials, social interaction, seasons, such stability as to have my days spent without any need to regard the future, and justify all the past sacrifices, struggles, discomfort and restraints, and exist at liberty to contemplate mortality and the beauty of life all around us. In short, I want a small cottage, surrounded by woods, where I can see the sunrise and a goat and my old husband and my old self can do nought but talk to dogs, eat pie and compare who has fewer teeth and who less hair. 

But we're not there yet. Some social discomfort and personal sacrifices yet to go, and time is running wild.