These past couple of days, some parts have been perfect. Yesterday we were feeding the bees and these insanely beautiful clouds danced all around us - one moment fog, another moment the cloud snake in the valley, then puffy dense pillows rolling over crystal clear summer hills, with the sun setting behind. These things can't be described, repeated, predicted or even photographed. They were mesmerizing, though. And today, I treated myself to a camera-walk, although I don't take it out very often any longer, and I spent hours on end doing one of my favourite things, just macro-ing moss and dew on lichen. I even had a text conversation with mum, which seemed to be going great, until she, as she does, succumbed to an unstoppable urge to celebrate my birthday by draining a litre of vodka, and the day went to shit. Fuck I'm sad and scared because of her. She truly strives to ruin good for me. And I feel so bad, I feel so sorry for her. Unfortunately, my psyche isn't strong enough to shrug it off. The day was ruined by noon and it never picked up again. Though I would normally love to pack our bags, I told g to not expect me to cater to him this time. We had to get ourselves tested and several other stuff happened, but I seriously just don't care anymore, I don't even remember most of it. My brain needs to park in the land of shroomies and sunshine. The soul won't last much longer unless I find a way to care less, bracing for the worst. Over and over again. The best days and the worst. I'm so tired.
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