The irony of my existence is, I can actually prep for an E.L.E and would survive it, but if I start building that bunker, I will die of something like cancer before a meteor hits.

I cannot find a single happy memory in which my mum would be willingly in my company, sober, and I would not be tense as a billiard ball. Not a single moment like that exists. Though G took coffee to her today and she tried to engage him in a friendly, slightly "I probably deserve her anger" debate. He didn't stay to listen.

Things I cannot understand, excuse, avenge or repair, eh. I imagine it is easier to be mean to a kid and then be a shitty parent and claim the kid's always been messed up, that it would be to drink and act how she's acted and still claim you love the kid. Or something. I dunno. Dunno why I will never be able to prove to them I'm a good person and a good daughter. I could win a Nobel prize and they would still belittle and mock me. 

So I untether. There are no positive feelings relating to them anymore. I tried, and they wore me out. There are kingdoms of darkness and ice which I would much prefer to this one that's been thrown at me. To think they will only continue to try and make me feel bad is a good way to approach the future - if I am wrong, I will only be pleasantly surprised.