Lately, I find myself deeply torn by the fact I cannot love with my heart at all, only with my brain. In fact, when I am profoundly overwhelmed by emotions, they are intelligent in nature (or the lack there of), not at all perky and spontaneous. It's not that I am not in love - not at all. I can feel it in every fiber of my being... except one. No matter what I do or how I go about it, the heart remains mute. It's still there, I can feel it's weight in my chest, and it's rather warm, but it's entirely off-line. I can spend an hour kissing every curly golden hair on my lover's magnificent thigh and every sense in me will be in Heaven - except the heart. The heart will be somewhere a bit away, looking out of the window, thinking of nothing, letting me do what I want, waiting for the time to go by...
It's been three years. That's the proverbial cadence period - the half of the actual damaging affair - is it not? Isn't it time for the heart to get back into the game already? I fucking miss it.
I am SO angry for being robbed of my ability to love like a fool, to scream and dance and gleam like a mad person, simply because I am in love? I used to be able to do that quite masterfully. Now I just belong and trust and am curious about someone. I am an old woman regarding the heart. And it's crippling me.
"I used to think the keys, the doors,
The clouds that block the sun
Are all on my mind
Now I'm one with fools of love."
I miss that!
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