Fuck, I'm lonely without him. All problems seem so direct and personal. I almost started doing the dishes.

Home alone for three days, while the boys play bushcrafting. (I am not allowed to come because a) I would probably kick fully into my trailblazing mode and wander off and b) it's boys alone time. Let'em have it. I bought G a thick wool army blankie. 

Three days is a looong time, however. I am starting to run out of porn. Of course, all the movies I want to see and books I want to read and online lessons I wanna go through, those just seem to continue getting pushed further and further aside. Patch 8.3 landed in Warcraft, I really needed to make a Vulpera character and solve the problems of those poor bastards - suddenly a tidal wave of new ones. In Warcraft every time you solve some dire disaster and stand firm on the lid, behind you the entirety of a city is collapsing. I've re-read the Garrosh-Anduin parts of War Crimes. I miss that psychotic Orc moron so much. He would love what the world has become since he tried to fix it. The kid sucker-punches Wrathion in the cut scene. Oh how that faggoty dragon spawn had it coming.

Agreed to a small interview, only because I really like the journalist. Also went uphill to say hi to my parents but they both seem to be having a flu and were in bed, where I didn't want to bother them. I got the fire going in their heating furnace and played with the dogs a bit, then went home. Almost spent what little money I have left on PayPal on the paint from Jackson's Art Supplies finally, but arrrrgh, again, the shipping was one buck over budget. It's just divine providence. The two paints from Rembrandt which I got have totally riled me up. I need those paints like they were heroin. They're like some freaking beauty in a tin tube. 5ml of pure poetry.

Fecking toothache is messing with my mojo :/

Hm. The amount of crying I've done last night might have damaged my eyes a little. Normally a good bawler has a beneficial effect, particularly when I am working with pigment, but so far it feels more akin to when you get sunblock in and the damn things just refuse to focus for the rest of the day. I've tried washing them out and already wasted half a bottle of drops trying to salinate and hydrate them properly. No luck so far. Am tired as fuck as well. The toothache is becoming interesting. Explaining to G burnt through the rest of my energy. Somehow telling a lover that you feel indescribable, profound and overwhelming sadness FOR NO REASON is not good enough. You have to spend three hours translating emotions to someone who then hammers the last nail in their coffin by asking if there is anything they can do to prevent it. No, for the love of fuck, it has nothing to do with you. Stop making it about YOU. 

     But then he went and did that washing dishes thing and that really undid the ugly spell. It seemed to be too late for the eyes, though. I couldn't really sleep much, but they did have a chance to rest, so it's not resting them. Reading is not an option - I just can't see. One's not strong enough and one's just a mess. I am fully aware of their size and weight in my skull. I wasn't going to draw, but I was going to write. Just saying, being able to adjust the luminosity of my screen is the best thing ever.

What a weird occurrence - I am out of town for a few days and at some point I just became super sad and depressed and kind of overwhelmed by a sense of helplessness and passage of time (it happens like twice a year or so, often completely unwarranted and without heads up, although it has to do with accumulation of negative thoughts and encounters (I did walk past the oncology clinic yesterday, so ...), so when talking reason or just pep talk didn't have any consolatory effect, the General stopped talking, picked up the phone, crossed the house, set the phone down in the kitchen and started doing dishes. No conversation, just a video of him doing dishes. I could see all my mugs and coffee and cats and him and could hear the dog and that was it. Suddenly of all the wonders of the world, that was the most comforting and home-like recreation of a soothing embrace he could possibly send me via skype. The brain really is the weirdest thing. I once half-drowned and passed out and they couldn't revive me until the village doctor's wife brought a plum pie to the people helping me. I woke up like *that*. Priorities, you know? :D

Continued lessons on Nini's prompts

I might have been a bit rude today. It wouldn't bug at me, but yesterday I cried because someone was dismissive, flippant and rude to me in a store. And today a woman called about a photo of mine and I asked her to contact me via an email, so that the correspondence remains on 'paper'. She asked if I can drop by their store and I repeated, that I prefer to have these things negotiated by an email, especially since the shot was already used in a book by another publisher. (I have a similar one I was going to offer, but they never wrote back.)

Okay.

I am not saying I was rude rude. Or that I was wrong. But I was flippant and dismissive.

Here are my reasons. First off, I get defensive when people ask something of me but would not agree to my terms - such as please, not over the phone, I prefer things written down. Second, don't talk to me like you're doing me a favor. You're not. I doubt they were willing to buy the photo, they just wanted an OK to use it for their promotionals. *Mental note to check a little if they just stole the damn thing in the end, like it usually happens.

    Third, I have a toothache and am freakishly tired from wrapping up this week's orders. 

    Fourth, it's my off month. Don't talk to me on my off month. Yes, YES, I understand people can't know that and she at least made an effort to look up my number - where the fuck did she get my number?! - but because she got me while I was busy, my brain didn't switch to customer service mode as it should. 

     Or maybe it was the whole 'come to our store so we can discuss it'... Are you joking? If you think I'm weird and defensive on a phone, how the heck do you think I would be in person? At least when corresponding via email, the General approves of the wording before I hit send. 

Attempting bullet (messy) journaling. Noooot there yet,lots of gaps still, but, getting slowly.