December 18th ...

A remarkably calm day. I don't remember being this calm in, eh  ... circa 47 years, to be honest. Most of what I needed to do for my job had been done for the year. At least enough for some financial stability. Plenty of plans and materials for January at a ready. We went on a doggy walk in the freezing dawn and the General made an effort not to be miserable when we went shopping ... so we went shopping for simple presents. We did spend quite a bit of money, but it didn't feel like pinching pennies, as it has always felt until now. He even allowed me to buy a bunch of other things, while I made another round, looking for a Stanley thermos. I bought some T-shirts, some stamps, some food ... Almost bought a dinner plate I liked, and a book, too, but it didn't *ziiing* enough, either. The fact is, I have EVERYTHING. Literally everything. I have no more room to put cute shit that I buy. I have HUNDREDS of books I haven't opened yet. I have new clothes. New toys for the dogs. The car is running flawlessly so far. I bought G an expensive watch, and a cheap perfume he asked for, and secretly an expensive perfume I know he likes. (This took a shitload of sneaking and misdirection, because I actually needed the neighbor to receive it, using cash money I stole from his wallet over time, otherwise he would recognize the online shop and b) the mailmen would just give him the package, thinking they are doing me a favor 😅)

     In the evening, after a good lunch, I had enough courage to check out my old Karate club. I want to go there in two days for their 'wrap-up' session, but I needed a pinch of acclimatization. I stink from nervous sweat. For standing in the bleachers for ten minutes....

... Brain fog dominates me and it is so pleasant. Like sleeping in cotton. The non itchy one :D

A day in Salzburg ...

A quick jump to Salzburg with a non-art-history agency, so, very simple, very calm day, full of snow and pretty shop-windows. Lots of interesting stories, though, so I should certainly drag G to check out the Hallstadt museum; the glacier, the salt mines and Hintler's castles - the real and the movie one ....

 

Sorry I am slacking, I know, I know...

 And it's not like a thousand nice and some ugly things haven't been happening all around! October is such an insanely fast mouth. Today is the 17th and I STILL haven't managed to post the sets I was supposed to launch at the start.

Doggy school is going well. We need to learn to focus, an all-around issue. Kisha is brilliant up until the point the instructor comes over to see the progress. Then everything else is more important than the task. 

Karate is going even better. The General is frustrated by his lack of skill and refuses to comprehend we've been going for exactly a month. I try to remind him of what my own performance was like a year ago, compared to now, and he dismisses me, since normally I am a potato anyway, and he is the Goatland Thor. But the instructor - and his own mentor, who has been joining us - are so good at teaching, we cannot wait for each next lesson. 

I've seen some good movies, read some great books ... Not 'written' quite as many ... don't remind me. But overall, there is always something. Something delicious, something that makes me exhausted, something that gets me up at 4am and knocks me out at 10pm. And everything in between. Such sweet hikes, birthday parties, coffee and cakes with friends or alone, moon phases, sunsets, music and angry days. All of it. Rushing through me like a nighttime train. 

Chilling in Ljubljana for a week, nothing but ice coffee, trolling Reddit posts and writing about spooky castles ...

 Sorry dear diary I haven't posted anything about Scotland yet - Scotland was wonderful. I will. Tons of pickies.

But a week or so later, I fled to Ljubljana again, to lock myself into my old professor's apartment, weather out the heatwave and ignore most of the Real world responsibilities. The General is at home with three crazy dogs, oddly proud of himself for not having failed in taking over the doggy walks yet. It's a grand achievement every time, but then again, it is painfully hot. Not sure how we'll handle the walks when I come back. The heat wave is said to last until August. I get shaky and cold way too soon in my old age. My heart had never forgiven me for that heat stroke in Seville. 

The dogs are being tiny disasters, inventing new ways to make a mess every day. Yesterday THE BEAGLE puppy managed to climb ONTO the counter and was rummaging through a pile of washed dishes, looking for a way down - but also if there's any food, maybe, you never know. Don't ask me how they managed to climb that high, they just did. They are wearing the General's patience thin.

Kisha, the Malinois, is getting more and more awesome. She is insanely beautiful and the calmer she gets, the smarter she gets. We are giving her time to live out her crazy puppy phase, before we start teaching anything interesting. She understands everything, but gets distracted within a second. I think they work best, when all three of them are training together. Lyra, the geriatric beagle, has taught them some good and some bad tricks. That insanely loud yapping, like I'm murdering them, when I lock them in the bathroom to clean the kitchen floor or something, I recognise Lyra's dialect exact. 

Even I had a neat learning experience yesterday. Namely, I discovered Reddit and went there to troll and be aloof and mean to people. Later I discovered that when people like your comment, you get a brownie point (Karma.) and if they hate the comment enough to bother, they downvote it and this takes the karma away. If you accumulate too many karmas, your account gets in trouble.

Waking up today, I figured I may have overdone it on the trolling bit and may as well delete the account and start over. But then I thought about it. What if I try to redeem myself? What if I post comments that will climb the karma ladder to at least a positive zero again?

What if I am ...

.... nice....

O.O

/GASP. SHOCKED FACE. EVERYONE IN THE RESTAURANT STOPS EATING. A BABY CRIES/

First time in the park...

 

(And a ton of failed attempts :)))

"You're not as good at defense as you think..."

LoL, yestereve was a delicious karate practice - Baby Sifu had us for kumite, easy first and then he asked the highest belts to face off the lowest.. For three times in a row, I was with a black belt lady who punched me in the boobs and stomach so fast I didn't even see her coming... and this was her on slow-mo! She wanted me to attack, which I could not do, and then she tried attacking me, and I was basically a frozen chicken, closing my eyes and shrinking every time. My biggest problem is that I tense up so insanely - everyone says so - that not only do I burn through all my stamina, but I am too rigid to move properly. But this was the best convo ever:

    Her: "Stop retreating so much, you are not as good at defense as you think."

Like.. lady... I am EVEN WORSE at offense!! 😂

    The second pairing was with baby Sifu, which I always comment with: Oh, fuck me...  (He is way taller and way better with his legs than I am with my arms...) And he warned me not to use profanity in a room full of grade schoolers... then he tried to kick me and I saw an opening and smacked him ... on his BUTT. Like, I literally smacked his butt. He recoiled and went Meoww??!, half in jest, half embarrassed and I was dying from embarrassment. In my defense, the only person I ever spar with is the General and in his case, there are no moral limits. So, there I was, sexually misappropriating an instructor. 

   But it's a good thing it was his butt - had I done the same to any other teacher, Go would have probably been very insulted and would have a problem with my behavior, whereas the King, well... His wife was in the dojo and she would probably break my nose. 

    The second best moment was when we were doing kata, one of the annoying, misbehaving kids was next to me and we went through the first two, then Nidan and then the higher belts did Sandan and Yondan and I was able to follow almost flawlessly (I can easily do Yondan if I watch someone occasionaly, or can maybe do Godan if I watch someone closely..), leaving the other kids to stare and frown, why do I know them? That nagging kid was puzzled most of all. A small victory over the little shit, but I'll take it. 

New puppy, some business trouble and some love ache...

Kisha has been with us for exactly a week. Crazy freaking puppy. So cool, I cannot tell you. Smart, loving, enthusiastic (about killing socks and slippers but also watching us pee) and basically a tornado with teeth. But she's forced us to clean up the kitchen to the very best of our abilities and it's been good.

Business trouble continues, due to the relentlessly stalled fucking customs in New York port. The orders are long past due and the customers are getting unhappy. I have no fucking idea WTF, but it is scary and miserable and of course, nobody wants to buy anything, because who wants to wait SEVEN FUCKING WEEKS for a tiny package. This has been causing my shop to liger at a virtual standstill and not only does the prospect of Scotland look bleak, so does paying basic utilities and loans. I work twice as hard and get almost no results. It is wrenching. 

On an even worse subject, one of my five loves has been slowly taken from me ... by this stupid diet. I am now fed mainly by paleo raw granola and seeds, turkey ham slices (I need salt), protein shakes and occasional roasted hazelnut... This means when I have a cheat day and jump on a cake like it's crack, and some Pepsi, I get so sick and queasy, it lingers for days and I am unwell. That whole 'a minute on the lips, three days in the hips' now refers to diarrhea and overall tummyache. So not only do I get three days of awful headache if I secretly indulge in a single coffee, but now cake is becoming an issue. (Okay, it was two pieces.) That's TWO out of five loves of my life. I mean, come on. Be less cruel, universe. I'm such a good critter. 

Spring cleaning, nasty cramps and a puppy

To make our lives even more complicated, we just got home with a new puppy. A girl Malinois. Lyra is getting a wee bit old; she isn't as enthusiastic about my adventures as she used to be, plus she's either entirely deaf or just more 'on the ignore' mode - we will never know. 

            We've had to thoroughly clean the bathroom for the doggo now, and tomorrow we'll attempt to paint and clean the kitchen... That's three out of five rooms, undergoing a thorough purge. The cats are not happy. But I bought them a woven rag basket and are now taking turns keeping it warm. (I'll buy them another.) The puppy got a ton of toys but of course, she is playing with an old sock she found. Lyra stole one of the tennis balls and hid it in her bed. 

           ... Too tired to write more. Will do soon :D . 

Looks like that brush with Covid will have some consequences after all. As for the illness itself, I didn't even feel it. In fact, I don't even know WHEN I had it - just before G or just after. The tests showed hints of infection, but I didn't even sneeze. 

       And yet ... two weeks later, I am still so tired. My muscles feel like old chewed-up spat-out gum. I am sleepy, uninspired, I need red bull just to gain the ambition to work. I go jogging every day, but every day it's like beating a dead horse. When I eat chocolate, it tastes like someone who was a smoker kept it in their hand for a while. When I drink my cocoa, it tastes spoilt. Most of everything else, it tastes like ghosts, like hints of flavor and fragrance. I can tell it's there, but through a thin foil. 

       Body, buddy, snap out of it. It's almost April. I need to get my mojo on. I want to jog and feel jumpy. For the first time in ages I saw my reflection in a store window and thought: whoa, okay, I actually have really good legs! I need to be ready for the puppy. Two more months and we should be getting it, love love love

I continue to generate a little bit of body dysmorphia, hating my stomach and hating the size of my boobs, resulting in an eating disorder. But just a little. I had been coming down with a gross cold for the past two days, and yesterday on my way to a salad bar, I veered into McDonalds, murdering a Chicken burger and small fries: the body was so short on salt, I was starting to get dizzy on top of everything bad I'm feeling (totally stiff shoulders and back, coughing, sneezing, sniffles, headache, acid reflux and peeing all the time.). I test myself twice a day, but I don't have Covid, just a cold. The General, whom I haven't seen since Saturday, as he is self-isolating on the other side of the apartment, does have the 'Rona, and is experiencing a crappy flu. Man flu. It's, like, the worst flu anyone has ever had. 

On the plus news, I've bought myself running shoes. Not sure I ever had running shoes before, always trekking, and they are so fluffy! There was a little bit of a need for practical investigation, as I need a) a super comfy toe box and b) a bouncy sole. And the size needs to be two numbers up. Ironically, the coolest-looking pair, and the most costly, wasn't at all as comfortable as I was expecting it will be. Ultimately the cute colours had to be sacrificed for the practical aspects and, well, now I own a pair of running shoes. All I need now is another two energetic dogs to drag me, as Lyra no longer falls for my promises of dull dry biscuits if she helps me uphill... 

March

 Hello, diary. How goes?

I am more or less great. It's still bleak and wintery, minus the snow, so I do miss the sunlight, but I've been compensating by going to my gym extra, keeping warm. The weather lady says any day now :))

The fun part was, I was getting really nervous, edgy, jittery, and kinda worried all the time - I even invented a new way to manifest my anxiety: I've been scratching the inside of my ear!! Only when I mentioned this to G, puzzled, he replied: You haven't eaten in eight days. 

Oh. Right. We're on our March diet. It's not that we're not eating, it's just that we are eating waaaaaaay less - in my case, I drink organic vegan cocoa twice a day and then have either a little salad or seeds/nuts/granola mix. I do feel better, and energized, but I also feel insane. These diets are like a mental illness. I'm scratching my poor ear raw. 

Concerning work, I was locked for a bit, but now I started working and it's going well - haven't published anything new yet; I've given myself until the 10th. Twelve new paints so far. Can easily make ten or so more...  Not to jinx it.

Concerning karate: every time I learn something new and something more and something better.  Benefits of having five instructors, I suppose. Took me five months to realize what I'm doing wrong with my kicking. Turns out, I can actually kick fairly well. Since we've been sparring with G, I can also defend myself fairly well. But it's not really possible to punch through his defenses. Yes, I can murder a small child with a punch, but a grown, 6'6 270 pound man... not so much. His arms are twice as long as mine. Plus, usually in life, one doesn't get into fights with small children. G has been communicating with the hot instructor, giving him the green light to beat the bedid Jesus out of me if I don't behave. Good thing this instructor is also the most skilled and can paint a self-portrait with his kicking foot, but isn't rough. Several teenage boys in the club are rough as fuck. But he, who is by far the strongest and fastest, never harmed me once, yet. Then again I'll assume he's seen a naked woman by now and knows that big boobs are very sensitive. Teenage boys don't. 

Concerning stamps... I KNOW I swore no more stamps, but ... those beautiful bastards sent me a catalog. I am so screwed.... O.O 

February

Okay, so it's been two months since my last post and there have been ups and down and tiny stuff, not really worth mentioning, good and bad. I had two nasty bouts of depression with slightly scary suicidal moments, but also some excellent days, creative, productive, impressed, and inspired. 

I suppose my biggest crushes these days have been the Cats on Apple Trees stamps, which I think I've more or less purchased all (except the word ones and aquatic animals, bar a large octopus which was so cute); then an unexpected discovery of SOLO Board games, which... holy cow. I did NOT know those were an option. I absolutely love the idea and cannot wait to have enough money to get a few 😁 Luckily they are hella expensive and so ... Slowly, snail, slowly. Not to mention I had to purchase a new printer and a new screen, which both stopped working at the same time, and I got myself some JBL headphones, which I absolutely adore. They are really really pleasant. I thought I will miss my tiny ancient iPod too much and yet I haven't touched it since. Comfy and effective.

My biggest crush these past few weeks has been the vicious karate instructor, though, the hot Bosnian Serb - whom I've known the longest of the lot and yet 15 years ago I don't think I even dared look at him, let alone speak with him. And there had never been any doubt that he is effective, but to actually see him come out of retirement for a brief moment, to promote his club, and execute everyone else as if it's a walk in the park (it was a national tournament) ... I have never wanted to rip someone's keikogi off with my teeth as much as I want to see that man naked. I've edited a ton of his pictures and he's just ... You know me. I value the photogenic aspects of any event, let alone a battle. Who wants a boring battle?  

        It's not just that he's savage and beautiful, no - the main erection I got from all of it was because for the first time I've used Perko, my new camera (which I bought a year ago), setting it so that it followed a specific person and for the first time since I have it, I succeeded in gripping the focus and tracking the speedy movement of unpredictable subjects. That whole event combined - Go's victory, his friendly attitude towards me, and success in making good (sharp) sports photos... well. Consider the sense of self for the winter season elevated ...

Our main instructor was also the main referee and I don't think I've ever seen the man as proud or cheerful as he was that day. Would have given my left elbow to see him fight one day, though.

See how nice it is when people actually pose for me? Look at that face. He looks so sad and so... calm at the same time. I could take a hundred more portraits of him... if he stood still long enough.

Fantastic form on the man. He wasted no movement, no boasting or posturing... Just... like a mungo. 

The only other member of that club, Go's old master, was a kata master. Terrific performance, too.

His opponents looked absolutely miserable, continuously backing into the line, knowing it will all be over soon. Plus I noticed he tugs on his pants before he takes someone's head off with his foot.