Uu, I had a dream I went to a posh adult theatre! I was rich and very tall and thin and dressed in these cool black stockings and skirt and the concierge took me to my seat, which was in a row of three, like a private viewing. Originally I went with two men, but we got separated, though of course, the theatre was full of men (few women) and the well-dressed guy in the seat besides mine asked right away if I came for this to be a full hands-on experience. I gestured 'let's slow down, let's see where this takes us'. Though horny, obviously, aroused by a well-produced movie on the screen (black and white), I wasn't rightly interested in an orgy with strangers: you can have that any time, but good porn is something to be critically invested it. 

       (Could be this dream was the result of me wondering last night whether to watch a new Netflix show Hollywood or the sequel to Hot Girls Wanted in which a classier, more high-budget female-directed porn was talked about. Let's not forget the channels I subscribe to on Pornhub are primarily those well-shot. I like nothing if not a well made, well-acted, well-scripted, higher budget high definition tale of lust in an elegant environment. Basically, movies done by people who think fucking is beautiful.) 

Tre Kronor

On this day some palace somewhere burnt down.

This is what they built in its place within a year. Good job.

Visiting gran and reading police statistics

Visiting gran today was actually a joyride. Normally it isn't, it's a shit fest of emotional blackmail, accusations and trying to make one another feel worse. Since she's gone almost entirely senile and unable to register surroundings, gran has begun to appreciate the help she's getting from the staff in the nursing home and can be rather pleasant. She is a few months shy of a century.

      They allow for visitation since two days ago and they called me yesterday if I would like to make an appointment. The General is still skeptic towards the wisdom of this - he is still preoccupied with a dread that he infects someone (being a postal worker) - but he was entirely needlessly worried. The whole thing went like visiting someone in prison or a highly sanitised facility! (There was an incident in the country where almost the entire retirement home was infected due to poor ethics of a medical worker). We stood outside and the main nurse tried to signal me, but I didn't make eye contact, so then my phone rings and she's waving at me and she asks us to come around to where the garden entrance is within the compound. We find the glass garden pavilion and another nurse puts the back of a phone to the window, with a number on it. Granny is in the wheelchair, covered in blankies and mask and can't really see much, but the other nurse is sort of interpreting. We make phone contact through the window, having us on speakers on both sides. We chat a little, she asks for some chocolate and if we had a birthday celebration for my parents and how we are all doing. Just a little bit, but it was very nice. We thank the nurses, they all wave and we leave. Actually really sweet. And clever!

In the meanwhile, I've entertained myself with reading police report for 2019. I do that every year and then try to guess the stories behind it. Example. We've had 51 wrongful deaths last year, among which the worst seems a hit on a woman by a contract killer, but almost a dozen cases were medical malpractice or an employer filed against for failing to secure workers - like death by electrocution or construction accident. There were about half a dozen suggested suicide, mostly of elders. The rest were usually robberies gone wrong, a couple of ODs, some unspecified (traffic collisions?)... All in all, very curious and if I was bored enough, I'd love to check which of these were ultimately decided to be murders. Among the sexual crimes, a third was to do with prostitution and underage kids. Some male. That is as far as I got reading it. Some crimes against wildlife and nature were also listed. Some fake marriages. One abuse of a national symbol. Lots of hotel mismanagement. Sadly a lot of mistreatment of the disabled. I'll go check arson and use of a firearm as well. After lunch. 

Riots and stuff, in theory

The other day I was in a car with this young idealist creature, super hot, really naive. Or, not really naive, just ... how do you call someone who has no experience but great passionate opinions? Not sure. Anyway. He tried to convince me that we live in a police state where it's just about time cops start shooting at protestors. Now, not only can I not remember the last time cops shot ANYONE, I can't recall the last time we had any kind of protest. Three, four years maybe? It was just workers standing in plastic covers in the rain. Yes, there is always about ten people yelling at the senate building, complaining at the government, but we change our government like, every year, so nobody knows what they are complaining about. I assume they're just bored and wanna be on TV. Oh, and last year the postal workers were on strike, but that just meant they went to work and actively didn't do anything for 24 hours. 

First, I tried to explain that not even when I was in the army did anyone have the right to order me to kill anybody. Not NATO, not anyone. In case of an actual conflict, defend, yes. But execute? Are you joking? Fuck no. Nobody in this country killed anyone in a long time, not even in the army. As for the police ... I tried to explain - he would not listen at this point, he was just yelling and trying to sell me anarchism and vigilantism - that there are riot-trained units for a reason. That if people expect riots to turn violent, they won't just go all shocked and unprepared and full defence mode, and open fire on civilians. Maybe in Turkey or North Korea or any other country ruled by a fat Joffrey Baratheon, where they need extremely few excuses, but we simply do not exist in a violent country. Riot police are equipped and trained to crowd-control and minimise the happenstance in terms of damage to people and property. They use water canons, rubber ammo, batons and gas. Which, like I say, has not happened in my lifetime except once where it turned out those of the rioters who did turn violent were actually paid to be there by the guy who wanted to prove how violent we are. It didn't work. The boy argued if someone throws a Molotov at a cop, they will shoot him. I argued if that happens, it is likely they will move, use non-lethal ammo and get the guy later, when he's calmed down from his acid trip and make him pay for the mess he made.  

People who throw Molotov cocktails at cops around here aren't doing it to elevate and/or liberate unfair society. It's people who like throwing Molotov cocktails. They usually wait for the photographers to be ready for the money shot, too. 

Okay, gotsta admit, as FFVII memes go, that one IS pretty funny ...

Ifrain

Okay, so I have a fleshed-out character which is strong enough to carry an entire story, but I have no way to use it. It doesn't quite fit in the actual world - though I would love to make her Israeli, as I find their women to be amazingly good looking - and it doesn't quite fit in a fictional world, because it's too realistic .. It does not fit at all in my universe, no matter how much I would love to have characters like that. Alas, in my stories, everyone who is not a complete emo loser instantly sounds like a Mary Sue. 

Think, dum bum. Think. 

PS The Geeneral has another one for the annals: "You are like a tiny sneeze trying to break out when one has diarrhoea." 

Calculating chaos and calculating control

I've not looked at all into this yet, though I probably will unless something distracts me (visiting brother's grave :/ ), but I've been fascinated by the thought of someone thinking they can actually be in control lately. To me, that is an entirely alien concept, an almost humorous abstract. I'll explain why. And why it is not.

First of, I don't believe in control, at all. Trying to control anything is a fool's errand, exhausting and a path to disillusion. It can be faked in small snippets, like if you arrange your existence very carefully and coldly, and in very small manageable bites: what you will wear, eat, do, how you will look, talk, fuck, where you will go and what you will gather there. Iron routine and very brief adjustment periods. People who can act like that are very professional and extremely collected. Think cruel CEOs or professional soldiers or some such. But those tend to have uncomfortable vents and can snap rather catastrophically, either burn out or end up strangling a hooker.

     Now, a lesser version of this is living a non-complicated life and not being overly emotional. The General does that - he makes the most of a predictable routine, he switches off completely when he is off work and his enjoyments are comfortable and non-invested. Almost at any time he is able to think through a challenge and will not be thrown by unusual obstacles. Except on rare occasions, during which his reaction has to be nipped in the bud, or it will throw him completely. But these are tiny things. Very private things. Like that time he was without a driver's licence for four hours. It was hilarious how upset he was and trying not to show it. Probably, because it was easily solvable, trivial problem, his psyche opted for an exaggerated response. He would never (re)act like that if someone was injured or something was truly the matter. Let's not forget we are talking about a man who carried a box of (possible) anthrax away from his coworkers so as to protect them or a man who immediately medically assisted a colleague who got his hand ungloved by a truck latch.

    Me, on the other hand, am a completely and utterly surrendered to the circumstances, have no idea what will happen tomorrow,  have two dozen interchanging interests and for every problem or situation which arises, my reaction is hysterical, tantrum-y and making a mess three times worse by making it about myself. That is just how it is. You do not call me in to smooth things over. You call me in to kick the bucket and see what floats up or splashes over while someone else does the fixing. 

During G's third year studies, one of the classes was Risk Assessment. It's a cash camel for private detectives who aren't characters in noir crime novels. Safety engineers are very sought after. Even just to create an algorithm to calculate all the elements would be awesome. Because there are just SO many idiotic things to think about when telling people how to avert damage. On paper, it's as easy as any engineering. IRL, it's a blender and often a complete goo comes out. 

     A classroom example we discussed was a party at a night club. As per rules, any gathering of more than 50 people requires a qualified bouncer, a camera and exit doors which open outwards. There have been cases of people dying crushed or fire starting and people panicking because the windows didn't open properly or someone tore off the handle and doors got stuck, or stairs were made of an iron grid and women in high heels would fall running down and get hurt by moving crowd ... and so on. Extinguisher instructions weren't clear. Air vents were obstructed by a speaker. There are A LOT of moving parts, but someone with a good nose for things going wrong is able to sign under a good plan to avoid most dark scenarios. 

      Just saying someone thinking in risk management terms would make for an interesting character. I can hardly imagine someone like it, though. Chaos easily. Chaos ranger ... somewhat. But an agent of control and order? That sounds like an angel begging to be buggered by a catastrophe. Which is a complete cliche before I even begin. 

Rainy May 1st

Aww, no marching band this year :/

Usually at 6 am sharp a band will (starting RIGHT under our window as we live in the main street) wake the city up by impossibly loud and enthusiastic march, alas.) Not only is it raining for the first time this spring, although the quarantine has been loosely lifted, social distancing is still in play. I heard a little bit of music, but by the ... sound of it, moving as fast as it did, it was a speaker on top of a car. 

Not quite the same.

Not that I am complaining. We need the rain. We have skinny drones because they've been forced to fly out and get water.