And the worst part, it's working. I'm actually starting to run out of the tiny fuckers, and am more than halfway through paying off the investment debt. Not to want to jinx myself or anything now, but - have you met me? The first thing I do when I start to succeed in anything (publically, financially), is hit the brakes and hide. I've stopped trying to set up Etsy, run a blog site, run the adjacent Insta account ... Leave me alone, I don't want to do this. I've started scratching my palms again, which is one of the first indicators I'm getting stressed.
On one of the lectures Drej's giving, the 'witness of self' was debated, or presented or whatever, the concept that when you're forced into a moment during which your soul would suffer, you simply detach yourself and become your own witness, not directly participating in the event, but indirectly with a sound reliable buffer -your own, morally sound self - in front of you. This is actually what Zen monks told the Japanese aggressors when coming down hard on China, and the evaluators of Holodomor, telling them to set aside their pussy ass feelings and ignore the suffering they would be receptive towards as human beings, watching farmer families starve to death for the ill-fated agricultural implementation, and do their job. Himmler carried Bhagdavadghita around, in which this is also mentioned, and taught the SS officers how to detach from the horror they are sent to inflict and they'll be fine.
It would be all to easy, wouldn't it? To stop scratching my palms, prevent myself from having nightmares, focus on the selling until I make enough money we can go on a neat vacation ...
But then I wouldn't be able to feel the lot of it. The anxiety and discomfort, sure, but ... pride, sense of achievement, sense of learning, ambition, new skills, even to a degree new people that have been contacting me? ... I don't want to be a witness to my own self. Sanity is overrated :D
