Finally got that fucking Etsy shop up and running ... I think. Still no idea what I'm doing. I'm terribly afraid of fucking something up. This is all in the real world now. 

Damn. Grief is such a bizarre state. My brain keeps concaving.

Really really strange days these days. Horrible, really, on multiple fronts. Some inspire serenity, some make me break things, all cause deep sadness and I'm wondering if it was just one, would it be this heavy, or is it heavy across the board because of the one? Sometimes you just can't stop the world from spinning out of your control. :/

:'/

Beach Bum? Nuh.

Tried watching the Beach Bum, but I really didn't get it. It felt like someone was trying to re-make Big Lebowski, but all of the main actors got terribly stoned just before the shoot and it was just cringy.
So, this guy is supposed to be this popular stoner bum on Florida Keys, but he's actually rather mean - he kicks a trombone player off a pier for no reason and then laughs about it right away .... I mean ... why?
He's supposed to be super bum-like, poor and disheveled, but in truth, he's super rich. Like we've never seen that trope before.
He's fucking nameless hotties and gives his wife oral in front of the maid (while she blabbers on about completely boring stuff that's supposed to be contrast or something?), but when he finds she's cheating, he gets upset. Then he drunk-drive kills his wife at his daughter's wedding.
He writes Pulitzer-Prize winning poetry, that I saw zero trace of in the film.
All of the attitude, dialogue, even how the actors MOVE feels impossibly forced.

I just didn't get it.
I can think of five movies who take on this exact same premise better, with actors far less A-listy.
:/

Hm. Bit of dark news today. Haven't fully taken it in yet. Feels like a weird bad dream..

.. I keep feeling like if I ignore it hard enough, it totally won't be true. If I am not aware of it, it can't be true.

Paint tests :)

I can't seem to adjust to the heatwave. It came too sudden, too hard. Most of my energy goes to keeping calm and I feel down and heavy. What little ambition for adventure I may keep on the shelf, is staying there. We have very careful, slow sex and I fall asleep after every one. I sleep most afternoons and stay awake at night. The doggy walks start before five in the morning. Cold salads and ice-cream are food, coffee is ice-coffee. Showers are cool. Had to buy new sandals, my old ones fell apart. Both fans are running full speed most of the time. Then again I am one of the few people who refuse AC. I get the feeling that if invite an AC in my house, then stepping outside will fail as an option entirely. 

I got an invitation to a river hike and I've been thinking ... I want to try the hammock version. I have a wonderful hammock, though it is heavy as fuck. But. Hammock removes the need for a ground tarp, mat, blankie, the sleeping bag and pillow. It just leaves a need for a sleep blanket. Taking that into account, it may not even be a kilo heavier. I don't know. I wanna try. It may be wise to bring the top tarp along just in case of sudden rain or simply to make shadow. The one I have is battle-tested and great. Fuck I'm anxious for this heat to pass and I can start moving again. Even if all my dreams have been full of snakes lately.