I've dreaded visiting gran  for her 100th birthday soiree for days - been more miserable and anxious than usual for it. The General's shift got switched, so I was all on my own - the visit from a few days ago left me sobbing again. It's just an all-across soul-wrenching business - she's vicious, mean, belittling, insulting, threatening and saying truly horrible, horrible things. Not if anyone else is around, just if I am. So I worried this will be a continuance of last week's ugly visit. 

            Monday started awful anyway, I'm enjoying PMS and I wanted to buy some flowers in a local grocery store - the line for which was over 50 people, this of course resulted in a stampede, everyone grabbing plants they wanted to gift for Women's day - a holiday I resent almost as much as Valentine's - which, as it turns out, cost five times as much as their plants usually cost. This deflated me entirely and I fought my way out of the store, over people pushing in. I just cried on the way home.

             Then someone threw out of the gyms all of my Pokemon. 

             Soul decay, I tell you. Just shitty times all around.

             I woke too early again, restless, and had to wait until 6am to go out (hora legalis), just kinda wandering about. The General kept sending me texts, happy stuff, promising a book if I'm good. (My spoon-carving book arrived.) Once I saw some shithead threw out my Pokies again, I grabbed the heavy bag of plants I eventually purchased and crossed town to recuperate. But once I arrived at the retirement home, the whole event was lovely! They did gran's hair, dressed her nicely, gave her a lovely bouquet, lots of people from the floor came, staff, caretakers, the director lady and they brought a huge yummy cake and drinks. Don't think gran recognised me, but she did seem to enjoy the attention, at least for a little while. I know she only wanted my mum to come, which would never happen, and I don't blame mum, not anymore. It may come back to bite her at some point, but not my zoo, not my monkey. They are adults. 

           Well, that came and went and the rest was a sunny day. My tummy aches and I feel exhausted and depressed, which is my three days a month of feeling just the worst. I worry about everything, envy everything, hate everything, panic and cry all the time and all in all continue to drown in despair. That should pass tomorrow. Tomorrow we take my fifty or sixty bought saplings and plant honey herbs all over the estate. I even bought some meadow seeds, but I don't know yet how to throw those - do I just throw them so birds eat and poop them, or so I need to burry and water them? The soil on our land is basically stone and powder. Grapevines were the only thing genuinely happy there, besides some vicious wild weed. I should probably buy a book on medicinal herbs, if I plan to grow so many. There was an old churchy dude who wrote a great book on the subject, need that. The General's ear is acting up - if only I would remember where I planted a houseleek I once bought for mum ages ago, as I prefer non-blooming plants. Mind, I have one in the kitchen and am still not sure if it's plastic or not. How do I ask it that politely?