the Marriage thing

I'm thinking about marriage. How do you know you're ready? Well. Sometimes that's the only thing you DO know. Is the other person good for you? Do you feel never as comfortable and okay as when you put your head in their lap?  Are you gratefully shedding all your stupid convictions to grow into something that doesn't disappoint? Are they someone you can see yourself growing old with? Are they someone can't wait to see again and tell them how you've been? Someone that whatever you've done, holds no appeal anymore unless you can do it again with them? Then yes. They are perfect. And yourself? How do you know you are good enough for them? I think... the answer to that is fairly simple. All you have to do, when things will get less fun, is to try and make it better as oppose of taking any opportunity, any excuse, to run the other way. When the shitstorm hits, you need to be the one who will try to hold the umbrella. If you want the other to be always safe and happy, they you're perfect for them, too.

          The problem has increasingly been with the freedom of choice. Cause then you think you have the right to act any which way you see excellent. People reach maturity in a terrible trial and once you're all grown up and independent, it's not quite so easy to learn how to depend on someone all over again. If everyone married at 14, before we're adults, then the growing-up period would be one rough, intertwining period of sex and trying to understand the world. By the time we would be 22, we would already be just one person. But trying to couple at the age of 30, that's like pushing together two Lego's that just don't fit. So every time something goes wrong, you place blame and demand your rightful recognition. Like a child, you demand to be treated as a person, not as half of a person. That's a scary intuition. People believe they have a right to be super selfish (as oppose to the little bit sexy selfish) and that if it all doesn't go their way, they should just run. It certainly is a lot easier to abandon a burning ship as it is to try and save it.

Feeling better. I should have gone out sooner, but this isn't the weather to pursue a reason to live outdoors. Man&Dog went to the first day of school 2.0, so the General told me to go out with a friend as not to be left behind alone. Things are certainly returning to normal - he even told me off afterwards for sinning. (I go out with a gorgeous woman and my shameful sin is a piece of cake. Literally. Fuck I'm old :s)p

          This is what my heart looks now:

It's small, patched, cracked and ugly, but it is there. I've finished the short smut story about sadistic sex crazed drug addicts, so that's that... I also figured it out how to explain what an iPad is. For Pete'ssakes - it's a *pad*. Like a notepad? Just a 21st century one. You probably couldn't launch a space shuttle with it or paint the Mona Lisa, but playing Plants Vs. Zombies while facetiming with your Australian mate, on a buss to a museum you've come prepared for... It's a pad. With monster movies in it.

Okay, just for the fact that mine is by far the prettiest Beagle ever - though I re-stress at this point I am a lot more than simply "a dog owner and a WoW player" - I feel alright. Counting backwards days until spring, when I will be hoarding out my models to spill naked over lush landscapes for my Mark, and when I will be able to paint more like a raving soul and less like a machine... All Zemotion's photos are deep dark blue lately. Perhaps we should not have ceased respecting the Kurents so lightly. Someone's got to get rid of the chill.

Postfestum

I'm attempting to slowly rebuild my mental health. It's slow going. For now every slightest bit disturbs me, most things sadden me and the rest depress me, so I have to convince myself I'm a little bit autistic and just be in awe of one thing at a time and not think about anything else. Yesterday I went with the General to place rock salt in the forest for the animals and while he was fixing it upon the trees, I poked around a creek for an hour, looking for different kinds of sand, silt and clay. Since that App commercial for Theodore Gray's chemistry and since David Liittschwager's photo of biodiversity for the Edward O. Wilson's article, I've revoked my passion for minute stone grains in their natural environment and plan to make my own iPad App with lots of pretty pickies on the subject. I also painted myself in summer mode. You can't see the Mark, the Kindle and the Pad (or the knitting), but they're in the bag  :p

The suicide curtain call

It's absurd how close I came to killing myself last night. It used to be a shorter impulse and far more latches, and last night it was just… It’s time.  I have had enough of this life. The day has been the day for it. I had a great time with dad in the morning. He feels sorry for me. The female individuals of my family will do, will ever only do anything that gives them the emotional and/or economic high-ground and as far as the General is concerned. Well… This man, who would eat sand so that I could eat pie... No doubt about it, suicide is selfish. It is the most fundamentally selfish act. But once you are as far, you honestly can no longer care about what everyone else will say.  For once. I would have cut my wrists and spooned into the bed next to him, so that he wouldn’t know I’m dying in his arms, he would just sleep, gently. But I didn’t have any very sharp blades and he saw me trying to get his hunting knife. He locked all the blades in the house after that into the gun safe and wanted to point a gun at me to test me, but that didn’t end well. Then I thought I could just hang myself, the place certainly has plenty tall strongholds, but he would probably hear me kicking. We have no pills to speak of and the second story window fall wouldn’t kill me. It shows I was lacking resolve; otherwise I wouldn’t be here to write this entry. General beat me and forced me onto the bed and took away the ladder, so I couldn’t get off. while he sat in silence in the dark on the sofa. Of course I could have gotten off if I wanted. But he climbed up himself and after a few hours of sobbing in the silence I remembered my mum isn’t speaking to me today because yesterday I picked the wrong pastry for lunch.  I had such a violent fit of sobbing bile came into my mouth and I ultimately passed out. Though for all the sleep when I woke up, my weeping just spontaneously continued. The General cannot understand this. His family doesn’t exist to continuously psychofuck one another over, insult, humiliate and abuse. They are normal people. Mine are extreme. And me, being stretched so wide between the two - the absolute optimism and happiness and such deep, disarming grief, cannot take it much longer.

         The truth is, I welcome the sweet, sweet darkness. The darkness in which I am still hopeful and where I can dream that someday I will have books published and children witty and toys and travels and I will look how I want and eat what I like and when I will say I love you, the reply won’t be ‘If you did, you wouldn’t do such things to me.’ Here, in Celje, all I have to look forward to is an ongoing decay of bright ideas, hope and my infamous life energy.

          I would not miss the things I’d leave behind; because I am sure they would all be there for me on the other side. My heaven’s also changed – for the longest time I thought it would be an endless nighttime library, but not anymore. Now I know my heaven will be trekking and traveling with the General: every day we will climb a mountain, every day we will dine in some lovely village, every day we will cross a new bridge. This will be an eternity in paradise. This is what waits for me on the other side of the sweet darkness.But then I get beaten up and stop thinking like this for a while.

Another glorious wake-up sex, so if I die today while driving to get the ill aunt out of the hospital, I shouldn't have too many regrets - provided somebody actually manages to get all those of my books on stand-by /posthumously/ published  :p  It's a long ride, dad will come along, probably commenting on my driving every single bit of the way, and I'm thinking about taking Starbark also. She should probably get used to long rides. Gods know I intend for her to joyride through many :D  Save for a few nooks, I should know the road by heart by now. Looks like the day is also going to be spotless.

In other headlines, we watched a couple episodes  of Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior, but they are hard to watch. I can't really put my finger on it, but that show just sucks. I mean, it has Forest Whitaker, whom I can never get enough of and I love his character and costume, sort of zen monk executioner mind and a body of a 30-year old, but he seems waaay overdone and his constant gym scenes are ridiculous.  The scripts just feel super flat. YES that was a sublime scene in the Criminal Minds episode where we first meet this shady new team, but do you have to re-do it *every* *single* *time*?? The rest of the cast is... well, there's Janeane Garofalo, who I am not sure what she is, but she looks either scared or ashamed to be in a TV show - hey, darling, TV is the next black!. There's some anorexic Irish dude that I can't understand half the time and last night he did the 'I'm s super sniper, so it's my fault the other evil sniper is doing the evil snipering thing just to mess with me'. Done to death, people?! And get better consultants, that's not how snipering works. (There is also some less handsome, more strong-silent unpredictable guy that likes to jump the justice system and shoot bad people, and the necessary retired supermodel that doesn't do much else than pout in a sexy way, wear tights and kind of flirts but not flirts, since she's supposedly a very capable agent woman. Or something.) Oh, and we also get a minute or so of the perky Kirsten Vangsness in the exact same role as she has in CM, only here she just always types and talks very fast and delivers half of the witty come-backs as she would if she actually had someone on the other side of the phone.

However, there is something that made my day yesterday (plus more tattooing the General and fine, fine coffee time with Drey:D) - I came across (my daily fishing for iApps) - Theodore Gray's Chemistry App introduction video. That just transfixed me. So the geeky science teachers aren't extinct yet?? :D I was  deeply in love for the duration of the video. It brought back my whole childhood zeal in one tidal wave :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nHiEqf5wb3g

Bled in BW

Some more birdie pickies (Cause there really are a lot of fat birdies there.)

Problems with a towel....