Managed to get myself so upset yesterday it nigh rolled my head off. I wish it was a deep and dramatic metaphor, but I got struck with a migraine so severe - and I think this is like the second or third time ever I got a migraine - painkiller after painkiller had zero effect, I threw up and could barely stand. Then finally I took the hardest-core painkiller and after less than ten seconds somehow I began to feel drowsy and fluffy and I just curled up into a ball and fell asleep. The General did his best to fetch me pills, water, buckets, blankets and a piece of bread ... you'd be amazed how long it takes one to chew a piece of bread when their brain feels like a stone brick and the world is spinning ... Once the painkiller #4 finally took and I woke up, one of my leg, calf muscles was wound and would not unwind. It's still strung, I still can't use that leg much. I'm telling you. I am able to go into such a fit I nigh maim myself. Now ask me what upset me. ...I cannot for the life of me remember. Looking back now it was probably something completely and utterly stupid.
All Saint's is coming up, a slightly troubled time for me, (understatement of the season) because the only other phobia I nurture besides orange food is my ungodly fear of running out of time. I' not saying I necessarily fear death or that I absolutely 1000% don't believe that some souls find peace within it, even though I've been in surgery and know for a fact there's nothing there. You're just no more. If anything, others remember you, for better or worse.
Well, the horror of being no more is a little too much for my overly active, selfish brain, and I start to go nuts a little in this season - nature dying, candles being lit on vast patches of graveyards, the day starting to get really short, starting to get cold, a year starting to seem wasted... It's like a nice, seasonal depression, for no other reason than I'm a spoiled, sensitive soul with few actual problems.
The very thought of the General going out across the street to get a bagel freaks me out completely. We've talked about me getting a professional help and I proposed how that would go: money we don't have, to talk about a) my mother didn't hug me enough, b) people who owe me money for projects that have since gone obsolete, c) my overly active imagination, and d) my tendency to go psychotic over the smallest issues. Herein lies the tricky bit. I go psychotic over smallest issues - I really very rarely go hysterical over scary, real, big stuff. I mean, I do react, my hands start to bleed from being scratched over about a month's period of time, but that's a calm, projected reaction. I was fairly brave and calm almost all the way up to the surgery last year, ten for about a month I was a little traumatized, but that just meant giving my body a chance to get over it on its own pace. Absolutely normal stuff. The General not returning my call for twenty minutes because he's taking a shower and I start to think he's fallen and cracked his skull, which drives me into near murder-suicide with my dog in the river, that happens once a week. Once in three or five months during spring and summer, but once a week around All Saints.
Now. Here's my problem. What to watch these days, when it's raining and the evenings are long and I'm not coherent enough to play Warcraft? I really, really like dark movies and shows and sure as fuck that shit doesn't help. Lars Von Trier put out a new movie - about a serial killer? Perfect! A haunting of Hill House TV series is not too bad? Sign me up. Castlevania season 2? Loved the first. Channel Zero? Sounds great! Apostle? Where people get ground alive and their mush force-fed to a geriatric old godess.
So I'm not allowed to watch good scary shit. Hardly allowed to re-watch stuff I know and love that's scary. What I am supposed to watch is romantic comedies and happy stuff, like people successfully climbing mountains or raising puppies. Not comedy-drama or dark comedy, satire, etc ... - comedy. Now please, if you will, show me what good stuff has recently come out in the genre of intelligent comedy?
0 comments:
Post a Comment