Saturday, 9 June 2018

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom


MyMaja et moi REALLY needed to go see something, we haven't been to the movies in ages and for the love of god how hard is it to find a decent movie in a cinemaplex? ImpressionBlend was just saying she's looked down by some people for not having seen ALL excellent movies ever made, to which I commented: ye, but sometimes a whole month goes by without anything even remotely decent in the theatre and then at least you can fall back on a remarkable classic.

This shit is so bad. So dumb Disney. A movie about ungodly scientific advance and it's made for four year old children. Screaming dinosaurs and people running through an Edwardian mansion - ye, in the middle fo New fucking Yersey or something a little girl speaks with an English accent. But don't worry - MyMaja pointed out when she's picking a lock she uses a wire hanger. In a mansion owned by a billionaire, she has a wire hanger. She screams so fucking much the fact she's supposed to be a clone doesn't even register. In the end she lets the animals out, because they deserve to be free to kill as many people as possible, because they're alive, like she is.

Good fucking gods how dumb that film is. NOTHING happens, nothing. It's sooooo DULL. The little girl hides in her bed and the super dino walks into her room by opening a balcony vintage glass door - but a moment later, in all of 700 or so rooms, the hero comes to scream at it, so it's okay. The mercs use the smallest fucking calibre imaginable to just shoot the dinos, and the dinos just fall down instantly. Why didn't they at least ask a hunter how a rhino is hunted and what happens when you try to shoot it at close range? There's a scene in which a veteran hunter enters a cage, leaving it open, to extract a trophy tooth from an unknown species... Ye. That's exactly what you do when you're a pro hunter. Poke an unconscious prey.

Dumb, implausible and pathetic - and it didn't have to be! At all! SO much money went into the amazing CGI, the volcano was so cool, tragic and scary and so on, but NONE of the talent went into the script. The pyroclastic cloud only went as far as the shore, once they were on a boat leaving the isle it wasn't even windy. The actors were so terrible, cliche and over-done, the screaming geek, the butch vet chick (but not a vegan dyke, because it's Disney), the evil corporate greedy people ...

So, so bad. So bad.