Monday, 29 March 2010

There's a boy I know, who told me that he wants to become a shaman and as such gain  an ability to do anything, even fly. But to get there, he has to examine the depths of his psyche - namely denial. (though if you ask me denial is the easier of the two - it's a lot harder to, say, overdo something every day.) He said there's something like 4o or 4oo or something days that he needs to NOT indulge in one or three or something things that he holds dear.. Or something. Touch blue things or drink red drinks, that sort of thing. So I've been thinking. There isn't really any ONE thing I'd want above other things, since I'm not a tree, but there also really aren't all that many things I wouldn't easily go without. Chocolate is just chocolate, warcraft is just warcraft, painting and books are just that. In Africa I went half a year without the life I knew and it was fun. Daylight? My  hair, my breasts? Take 'em. Even my eyesight or being able to leave the room are easily compensated upon. That is - all, except Piček. I am by now in the state of living and heart and mind, where it is impossible for me to go without him for even a day. Two days are madness. Three are impossible. That line from Hallelujah - 'I use to live alone until I knew you' - is rock solid. I didn't even know such a state exists. It is so disarming and so fulfilling at the same time, the very thought is like a malady. I could be offered a grand exhibition in Paris, but if people said 'you cannot talk, see or write to him for 4o days,' I'd think there is not much I am lacking so profusely in this life to give up the one thing I love the most for a glimpse at another life. That's not being idiotically sentimental. That's just how it is.
               In the extreeme - gun-to-the-head- scenario, though, I wonder how it would work. Say, someone told me that I could cure his terminal illness by sleeping with someone else, that wouldn't really work for him. He wouldn't look at me the same and if I told him, I think he'd sooner choose to die. Perhaps it could be arranged for the three of us to come together, but mostly I think, if he was ill and someone said 'fuck me and he'll be saved and you'll live together for some time', I'd cut off my finger and said to him - this is as much of me that another man will claim for an hour, in the meanwhile, you hold on to this. 
               Gruesome, I know, but I did say 'in the extreme'. I am not a soppy, defeatist housewife. He wouldn't love me as much if I was. ;)