Sunday, 16 December 2012

Hobbit ... it was okay.

I liked it and ate a bucket and a half of popcorn (which predictably results in severe tummy ache for days and I still can't move my tongue properly. Also, I've drank about four gallons of liquid since and still hadn't had a need to pee. But it was worth it.). 
             I just thought it would be better. It’s been a while since I saw a movie in such a mess.

Things that disappointed me:
-          First thing that pissed me off was that the local theater suddenly charged twice the prize for the tickets, as it was supposed to be a long movie. It’s the first time I hear of this and it’s not the only long movie. But since kids come see it and kids drag parents along, this is an excellent opportunity to milk not 22 but 44 bucks for a fucking film from a family.
-          I’m SOOOOO gorram over trilogies. Seriously, could you PLEASE stop stretching single features into infinity?! NOBODY wants to watch another eleven hours of a story that originated in a really cute and short adventure book. Granted nobody will ever try to do Sillmarillion nor any of Hurin’s kids or any other of the 257 or so books JRR wrote, plus HIS kids, but when I went in, I really wanted to see Beorn and how the company escapes Mirkwood in barrels and how somewhere over the hill five armies meet. I’ve already seen the hyper-epic Lord of The Rings, which comes from a 4000 page book. What was this, a fucking echo?
-          No,  seriously, was this a fucking echo? Is it just me or did they re-use scenes from the LOTR about two dozen times?? Gandalf growing in anger in BagEnd? Gandalf whispering to a moth for help? Eagles coming to rescue good guys in slow motion? Going up a tricky mountain in storm? Running around in a rocky maze with a glowing sword? Rohan scenery/orc running. Most of Gandalf’s text. Galadriel’s hair. Seriously, I COULD go on.Those were, like the SAME takes.
-          There were supposed to be 13 dwarves. I only remember three. There was one with dark hair who looked distinctly human and he’s shown more than any of the other, bar the leader, combined. There wasn’t a close-up of the one with the axe in his head ONCE. I know, because I was waiting for it. I know the costumography for the dwarves was extremely elaborate and I wanted to see it. All I saw here was that guy’s big black eyes and a lot of colorful beards. 

See this guy in the middle? Who the fuck was that? People didn't come to see cute human-looking dwarves. They came to see 13 different versions of Gimli. What, you thought the movie will suffer for the lack of hot dudes in odd hair? They make Twillight films for that reason.
-          Although casting was wonderful, most of the close-ups on lead characters consisted of a) confused Bilbo b) very old Gandalf who didn’t really seem to know where he was most of the time, c) dramatically lit one-brow-look, shot from above of Thorin, dangerous, but tragic hottin with gray highlights.. and d) really pretty wide angle landscape. Really pretty.
-          I fucking hate having to wait another eon to see what they will copy from LOTR next. I already know the story, I’ve read the book four million times.
-          At least all the giggling girls and most gay men won’t have to wait to see what Legolas’ dad looks like. Although I expected someone a lot more good looking, I am glad they cast and dressed up an anemic drag queen. He is, after all, supposed to be a sleazy villain. In my mind, and probably in Tolkien’s, though, he was this really hot woods creature, potent in life and limb, athletic, energetic, arrogant and with a crown of thing ripped out from the ground. Certainly someone you don’t regret being put in chains by. What we got was the third runner up for the role of Legolas, if only he wasn’t older, more boring and uglier.
-          There was something odd with the camera or the way it was shot or something, that doesn’t agree with me. Like there was too much of everything and where there was supposed to be action, I could hardly tell who was who and what was going on. Usually I just stuck to the good old rule of running through dungeons or though dragons: follow the pointy hat.
-          It felt like most of the dialogue was delivered rather pompously. Like they were rehearsing an Oscar speech or something.

Things I  really liked:
-          Radagast the Brown. In love! Well, not me personally, but I am SO dialing his number and putting the phone to Granny Weatherwax’s ear and jumping away … He was perfect. And I don’t even think his story line is important in any way.
-          Did you know bunnies actually do that, before they change? Not actually thump/drum the ground with their foot in alarm, but they actually pump up their blood-flow. Like a spasm. And then -zaaap--! Those bunnies had Gangnam!
-          Thorin. Richard Armitage played him beautifully. I’ve never had any particular desire to fuck a dwarf in my stories, but I’ll expand my list of ‘dos’ in close future. Also, most of his close-ups and slow-motions are really impressive.
-          The pale orc. Whatshisface. Ironhand.  Whatever. Definitely writing a story about fucking him. Dunno, I’m just into orcs lately. Must be those neck-to-shoulder muscles.
-          Bilbo. But if I say anything nice about Martin Freeman, people will think he’s paying me. That man is truly a pleasure to watch on-screen. He was perfect as Arthur Dent, he was perfect as a soft-porn actor in Love, actually, great as Watson, he is simply adorable.
-          Scenery, as said before.
-          Costumes.
-          Men singing. Lately a turn-on. Not elves, though. I loved the scene in which the deaf old dwarf stuffs cloth into his hearing device to skip the elfish recital during diner.
-          Also, we get to see/hear more of Figwit. Everyone wants to have BDSM sex with Figwit. That cutsie has more smut fanfic in the Library Of Moria than all of Fellowship.
-          No Aragorn. Thank the fucking Gods. I didn’t need to see old Bilbo or young Frodo again either. That was a different move, people!! I like to remember those chars as they were.
-          A certain array of characters even I wouldn’t bed. Which is saying something in the direction of imagination of the Jackson ensemble.Or did Del Toro come up with the gruesome goblin king? (Hah. That reminds me of David Bowie. Not the gruesome part.)
-          The snoring moths.