Sunday, 15 December 2013

Oh, Smaug the Stupendous

This was surprisingly better than I had expected! The last one sucked, the only good thing about it being Martin Freeman and a new Orc for me to masturbate about, but this one was actually an epic piece of fantasy. Not epic as if that good. Just... Freakishly high budget well spent. You get to see 25 minutes of a clever dragon roaming about a dwarf forge. That's pretty epic. 
      I admit I underestimated the use of the only female in the movie, because the trailers led us to believe she'll be Legolas' love interest and nobody wanted to see that storyline polluting an otherwise perfectly cute gay fest of all shapes and sizes. Tolkien is boy on boy action. Everyone knows that. Also, the pictures of Bolg were misleading and he turned out to be spectacularly ugly. His outfit also suggests he's never been on a date before. And enter a near perfect portrayal of the Middle Earth's second most gruesome royalty: Thranduil, the elf king of Mirkwood. One who got where he is by being a coward and an opportunist. Lee Pace delivers him astoundingly and I really do wish to see a man like that raped to death by the Gundabad boys and their dogs. He's THAT sleazy. Seven times as beautiful as any other elf so far delivered and twice as interesting as they made Beorn look, though that is also saying something. The elf CGI is terrible, though. I couldn't watch those. Also the elf talk. Tolkien languages sound like a Sudan thespian trying to do Shakespeare. But spiders were cool and the major of Laketown was cool and the Brad was hot. There was also this one moment in which Bilbo realises what the ring made him do, after he's overkilled a spider... The acting of Martin Freeman steals every single scene and all of those attached. His scenes are as new as every single close-up of Gandalf is done to death. Were it not for the unexpected love-story and the coooonstant whining of the beggar prince dwarf, Bilbo and Balin could take on this quest between the two of them alone. 

One thing I don't understand, though, is why they choose to do some scenes exactly as in the Lotter over and over again?? If Gandalf blew another butterfly to summon another eagle, I'd have walked out. Luckily, this once he summoned this great big white bubble to fend off darkness and then did the Mage Blink from Warcraft to try and outrun Azog. Also, Ironforge was amazing. I'd totally do a fashion show there. Shieldmaidens of spring 2013/2014 or any other gender optional slender blond, do pose, please. I'd could photo shoot in there for an eon. Having a dragon to DJ. That'd be a winter to weave tapestries about, too.