Friday, 27 December 2013

On failing eyesight and being fourty

The last couple of weeks I've been noticing an odd decline in my 20-20 vision. I am the sort of person that, if I was a musical person, I would have perfect pitch. I have, or used to have, flawless vision. I could identify colors at a glance, any mix of them. I could read instructions for a toothpick from across the room. Lines came as sharp as lines are supposed to be. But as of late, although still acute, my vision is completely messed up. In fact, I've been seeing double. Neatly. I can still see things, just with each eye out of synch.
      My first thought, obviostly, is that I have a brain tumor. The brain looooves to draw all the credit to itself. That aside, it is more likely that I have finally strained my eyes out of their perfection and it is time to admit even I may require glasses. That is not such a bad thought. In fact I find it kind of funny.
       There are a few things I know about myself. The only thing I am afraid of, is running out of time. Few years shy of fourty, I am perfectly aware that innevitably, I will lose my sight, having made the most of it up until now. I know I will get diabetes at some point, because almost everything I eat (and greatly enjoy) is based on sugar. It is possible that at some point my mobility will get compromised and it's quite likely that someday, any day, I won't be able to use my right hand. Or wrist. 
      But being 40 is an excellent age to be this time in history. 40 is a really wise and calm age. Whatever you were going to do in life, will happen by 40. If you were gonna have a career, you have it. If you were gonna have kids, you have them. If you were gonna write a book or sail the seas, it has already been done. Nobody begins their existence at 40. Nobody decides - from now on, I will become a great explorer or inventor or a hitchhiker. (With the exception of people suffering nervous breakdowns or mid life crisis obviosly.) If you were going to invent something excellent, everything you've ever done up until now has enabled you to harvest the results. Everything you do after 40 is an encore. A dessert.
        At 40, you no longer worry about being broken. I have had a lifetime - a good lifetime- of excellent eyesight, lands seen, people met, great sex, amazing food, museums, video games, movies, projects, even music. If for some reason a part of that is taken from me now, I am okay. Diabetes, blindness, immobility... My once worst fears... They would just be different clothes now. Different frames. I have had an enormous amount of this world. Everything else that is coming my way is a funky, kinky bonus...

     Faulty eyesight .. i am at peace with you.

... And then of course along comes the General and explains to me that for the past few weeks I've been using a mascara (which I don't otherwise use), and that's why my eyesight has been suffering fatique. 
      Darn it. That would have been such a great sermon otherwise...