Friday, 10 February 2012

On suicide

To the people trying to kill themselves.
People. I am a pro when it comes to suicide. Okay, granted, I am still here, so that tilts my crown a little bit, but I have gotten so very close so many times I can safely say I am the authority on the subject. I know it so well, in fact, I not only know how to do it depending on what you want to achieve with it, I know how to trick it into not working. I got ridiculously close four times, but every time the sane part of me, the part that is in control 99,99% of the time, kicked my safety latches into effect, until the crazy wind blew over. The only time there was no such safety net was also the only time (right after my first marriage fell apart like a house of cards that it was) I wasn’t thinking about what I was doing and so a few hours later I woke up and thought: Amazing. This is so much harder than I was led to believe.

There had been people who asked me how to do it and I told them how to do it. But there’s a vast difference between people who are dark in their heads and people who simply cannot fucking stand their existence any longer. Their lives suck. The circumstances suck. Their loneliness is uncanny. But inside their minds, the weather is shiny.

To those people, who can no longer stand the people around them, their bosses, classmates, family members, spouses, kids, dirty uncles, even dirtier priests, TV hosts whatever… before you sink, or drop the toaster, or pull the trigger, or drink the detergent, this is what you should do: Without thinking put on your strongest shoes, your toughest pants, your warmest jacket, your favorite hat and get your passport. Walk outside the door, not window, and don’t stop walking. Pick a part of the world from the top of your thoughts. Don’t stop walking. Hitchhike. Jump trains. Bum rides. Hide on ships. Beg the food. Know your shelters. Gravitate towards warm, open places. Or deep, dark, dense cities of sin and street smarts. Whatever gets your blood up. Meet the people. See the world. Feel the sun on your skin. Don’t stop. Cry when sad. Giggle when glad. Scream when angry. Even if you circumnavigate the planet, don’t stop. Never make any decisions regarding anyone but yourself. Decide for yourself and learn to deal with your decisions.

I guarantee it: lust for life will catch up. Chances are, should you ever return to where you started, you’ll take far less shit from anyone than you did before.

Just don’t try this in winter. Freezing to death has a nasty way of sneaking up on you.