Yesterday I went up to the parents' place to stretch my legs, tire the dog and to take to dad a translation of an Eminem song that I believed was a good example of a survivalists' rage. Dad didn't like it, he said all in all it's just another desperate attempt to convince yourself you're gonna make it, but cool discussions ensued anyways :) 

           Bad phone call during my visit. Another good person died. I don't know if this is really getting scary, SOOO many people dying all around me, or is it just that I lately know more people and take it more to heart? There is absolutely no telling who will be next. It's one way not to worry my head off completely. After all, it could be me. But this man was okay, I liked him plenty. I haven't met him enough to say we had any sort of a relationship but he was a good and honest journalist and my parents worked with him for a really long time. I heard he passed on in his sleep while on vacation, skying in Italy with his family. I can't think of a better way to go, for the soul in question - those left behind being another story. There is so much to think and feel for those of us left behind. It is a privilege, but it is also mind blowing. How to never ever miss out on anything, if there is SO MUCH to be done?!

Anyhoo.

           Talking to dad was great. We had both just read an interview with Sumie Kawakami (the woman has 'kami' in her name for crying out loud! That's a word both for God AND paper!). Since there's virtually no way to get my hands on her book, he talked about his impression of it and stuff about Japan he's lately been watching on TV, and I talked about Awe and Trembling, an Amelie Nothomb story that's an excellent example of what we were bantering about. Of course there's not a single thing we agree upon, but we do love to explain things to one another. Mum and the dogs usually just make sure we don't hit anything while we make vehement and dramatic gestures during. Oh! No, not true - there was one thing we did agree upon: he said things had changed so greatly in the past 50 years and I said not at all if you look at North Chorea: seeing one of their war parades, those schoolgirls marching like machines, it does make you think we are still in the 1940's.We kind of both thought that WAS pretty scary to see.
           
             Then the very best thing he's said, when we were talking about beta readers and people helping us (young writers) with out prose, was that no such thing should be allowed. It's degrading and a farce. He said my friend and I are so educated, so skilled by now, that no self-proclaimed authority on the subject that basically just wants 'us' to read HIS books and give HIM pointers, while he gives us (actually he gives it to her and I just do the ones that seem interesting) primary school asigments, should be telling us how to write. He said - knowing all these names, as he's been around longer than them and this IS a very small country, we should be helping with HIS shit. If our books, mine namely at this point in the conversation, are difficult to read, then the people who fail should simply buy the fucking airport trash and read that on their toilets. In the words of De Musset in the movie Impromptu: Art does not apologize!
             There are things that are poor with my books, I understand it, but there should only be so little I do in order to make it easy on the readers. Okay, so I am not here to unsettle any cultures or nations, but I am me. These are transcripts of the things *I* believe might shine a light on some things. They are *me*. For sale.

             Once again I find myself being told off for want of a polestar. To my dad, being in need of a teacher or a guide is a sure sign of obviously having nothing better to do with your life. That we agreed on also. One thing is learning and being inspired and comparing notes with those you find to be great indeed, on a level... level. But art comes from such an intimate place, that nobody should deem themselves worthy of saying 'no, this is not fine, you should probably read my books and see how it should be done...' One should write and say what they have to say in always their own crooked frame.  If it's not easy to read, fuck it. Elevate then.