Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Grandma in da ward (again)

(Most castles these days are mental hospitals. It's so that the castles wouldn't be too shocked from what they were used to before.)

I'm starting to understand why my grandma checks into the local mental hospital every three weeks or so. This is the second time I’ve gone with her and every time the doctor is hotter than the last. First there was a Scarlett Johansson look-alike with an amazing rack and fairly low T-shirt for a grown woman and today, after an hour of waiting, going through a hundred-year old photographs, which is sth I like to do to entertain her while we wait (flip though ancient albums and then write down names and dates that now only she still remembers), the hottest male doctor I’ve seen, ever, comes out to greet us. It could have just been the nerves, but both, gran and I instantly sat up straight and the day wasn’t a complete loss. It certainly made a lot more sense why she would want to come here so often (though it’s getting difficult, because after all this time, the staff here have joined forces and finally realized (what the staff in the general hospital regarding her physique have grasped a while ago) - she has no mental illnesses or illnesses of any kind at all). He was, say, ten years younger than me, of some delicious Balkan descent, huge black eyes, eyelashes like a fairy godmother, black shaved hair, black beard, very large, very patient, nice, naïve even, and great taste in wrist-watches. If I didn’t have such a hard time convincing him that granny really, REALLY wants to be here (I’m not joking. She really, REALLY wants to be there.), I’d probably try to keep him for myself, alas, grandma has more success in these matters. Next to her I am invisible. I should probably explain that all she needs to feel happy is to be spoken to as if she’s a champ, but he was young and inexperienced and kept trying to explain she’s fine and there really is no reason to get locked up. People need to spend months on waiting lists to get in, she just walks in. Frequently. She’s a tiny old lady, but do not get in the way of her entertainment du jour. She is like friggin’ Chuck Norris’s grandma. I especially loved the part where he tried to find out how long has she been taking ‘a very small’ sleeping pill that helps her go to bed at night, considering she never really gets tired enough during the day to sleep soundly… He needed to know, because that pill causes addiction if you take it fifteen times in a row. I am really sorry I kept giggling into my sleeve, but the young doctor was so innocent and sweet. Eventually he came to comprehend this is my grandma. She’s been taking that pill steadily since it became available, say, thirty years or so ago. If a normal person took the medication she takes, they would implode. They are enough to floor a horse. The irony of it all being, she’s not physically or mentally ill at all, just ridiculously old and in dire need to be the center of attention. I could just see it in her face, when he wasn’t going to admit her (thinking he is doing her a favor). She would have jumped in front of the first dragon just to prove him wrong. The only thing that would make her remotely consoled was the idea of moving in with my mother, but then I would probably be admitting my mother. I wish the General would comprehend the extent of my sanity and self-discipline, considering my roots. Sure, I have a temper like a lightning rod and emotional stability of nitroglycerine, and people say I’m weird, but my Aspbergers’ is entirely under control, I have never had a single addiction that would qualify (not even chocolate, because, really, to have an addiction means you’re willing to lie, steal and bullshit for it and I’m too lazy to bother with such deep motives), and by traditional standards even my sexual preferences are incredibly boring. By comparison, honestly, *I* am incredibly boring. You should have seen her when the hot nice doctor was going to slowly and politely escort her to the inner ward. She said – no need and thank you, young sir, I know where it is… And wasn’t gonna wait for him to change his mind. Nurses could barely keep up. I have to admit, once you get pass the incredible worry she causes, she really is quite funny.