Friday, 23 October 2009

Friday. Still fasting: unable to paint, or do anything for more than a minute, really, I've spent the day watching True Blood (as tall, blonde and feminine as the Skarsgaard creature is, Sepp he is not.) My libido ought to have kicked in at the sight of someone so obviously aloof and, well, cold, but all I had was spend the morning feeling bad and crying over stupid stuff. Last night Piček got me in a wrestling position where I was completely helpless and the feeling of someone getting me so pinned down completely freaked me out. That's when I first started to cry. It got better towards lunch with Dromi and Mags (first lunch we prepared. Not that we can cook with what we've got to work with, we can just purchase great stuff), but I am just too sad about the loss of Porky. Finally gone, my loyal little camera has left me imagining all sorts of great photo shoots and approaches to narrative fashion portrait.. perhaps it is good I am deprived of the tools of my trade. It'll get me in a twist I need.

Some bureaucratic technicalities with our biggest contractor (so far not worth shit) and some of my payments bounced... I may or I may not get anything out of the panels.. I so fucking hate being poor...  It's not that I don't think we're not getting anywhere, because we are, wonderfully so, but it's going too damn fucking slow! I'm not having any illusions about deserving the Mark III just now, but I would love at least to be able to get myself SOMETHING.

Okay, I'm messing up everything in my head.. It better just be the period. Porky was just a machine, she should easily be replaced. I shouldn't hold such attachment to objects. And I should definitely get out more. If I stay in for a week, just me and my crazy creative process', I don't function too well once in the real world anymore. It still suits me way too much to be bordelrine agoraphobic - not in the sense that I fear going out, but in the sense that I don't really see why I would bother.

All in all not too pleasant day. Fuck it. There's got to be those, too, sometime.